IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In the future, people may no longer be able to pay for things in shops using cash. All payments may have to be made by card or using phones. Do you think this will happen one day? why do you think some people might no be happy to give up using cash?

#future #people #shops #cash #payments #card #phones #be
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We are now living in the era of
Use synonyms
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
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,
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as
Correct word choice
and as
show examples
 a result of
this
Linking Words
 in the future, citizens may no longer be able to pay their bills in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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stores using
cash
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,
instead
Linking Words
 all the
payments
Use synonyms
 will become digitalized. I believe that
this
Linking Words
 is going to happen within a few decades.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss how
payments
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 are going to be digitalized
as well as
Linking Words
 why some
people
Use synonyms
 will be unhappy to give up using
cash
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. As young
people
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are gravitated
Change to the active voice
gravitate
have gravitated
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 towards
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technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
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, they
are
Verb problem
apply
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easily
adapting
Wrong verb form
adapt
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 themselves towards it.
As a result
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 of
this
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, making any
payments
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 with cards or mobile
instead
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 of
cash
Use synonyms
 will be highly welcomed among
these generation
Change the determiner
this generation
these generations
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. Let us consider in case of
people
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 who are working in a Multinational Company almost sixty to eighty
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
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 of the
people
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's salary
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 debited
in
Change preposition
from
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 their bank accounts. In
this
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situation
Add a comma
situation,
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 the majority of the
people
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 will not prefer to withdraw their
cash
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 from the
cash
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 machine,
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then
Correct word choice
and then
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 make their
payments
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. They will automatically adapt themselves to the
most
Change the adjective
apply
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easiest way, which is making
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
payments
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 with
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
either
card
Correct article usage
a card
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 or using mobile phone.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
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 who don't want to change their routine will be unhappy
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 giving up the
cash
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payments
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. The recent research on payment methods says that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the majority of the world population are using either digitalized or card
payments
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instead
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 of
cash
Use synonyms
payments
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.
Along with
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this
Linking Words
 it
also
Linking Words
 states that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 most of the
people
Use synonyms
 who are aged more than fifty are using
cash
Use synonyms
payments
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. They are afraid to trust the
payments
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 which are made other than
cash
Use synonyms
. The best example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 scenario
will be
Wrong verb form
is
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 my grandfather,
Although
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 his pension amount is debited
in
Change preposition
from
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 his bank account, he used to withdraw his
cash
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 and make his
payments
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. After discussing with him I came to know that he
don't
Change the verb form
doesn't
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 have trust in the
technologies
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. In conclusion, the majority of the
payments
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 will happen through either card or
using
Verb problem
apply
show examples
mobile because of the sophisticated
technologies
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by r.harip3 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure clarity when transitioning between ideas for a smoother flow.
Task Achievement
To enhance Task Achievement, consider adding varied, detailed examples that cover a wider scope of scenarios.
Language Use
A more complex range of sentence structures and vocabulary can elevate the essay's overall effectiveness and impression.
Task Achievement
The introduction and conclusion clearly state the essay's position and summary.
Task Achievement
The use of a personal example (the grandfather scenario) effectively supports the argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Logical organization of paragraphs and progression of ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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