In the future, people may no longer be able to pay for things in shops using cash. All payments may have to be made by card or using phones. Do you think this will happen one day? why do you think some people might no be happy to give up using cash?

We are now living in the era of
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
,
as
Correct word choice
and as
show examples
a result of
this
in the future, citizens may no longer be able to pay their bills in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stores using
cash
,
instead
all the
payments
will become digitalized. I believe that
this
is going to happen within a few decades.
This
essay will discuss how
payments
are going to be digitalized
as well as
why some
people
will be unhappy to give up using
cash
. As young
people
are gravitated
Change to the active voice
gravitate
have gravitated
show examples
towards
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
, they
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
easily
adapting
Wrong verb form
adapt
show examples
themselves towards it.
As a result
of
this
, making any
payments
with cards or mobile
instead
of
cash
will be highly welcomed among
these generation
Change the determiner
this generation
these generations
show examples
. Let us consider in case of
people
who are working in a Multinational Company almost sixty to eighty
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
of the
people
's salary
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
debited
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
their bank accounts. In
this
situation
Add a comma
situation,
show examples
the majority of the
people
will not prefer to withdraw their
cash
from the
cash
machine,
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
make their
payments
. They will automatically adapt themselves to the
most
Change the adjective
apply
show examples
easiest way, which is making
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
payments
with
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
either
card
Correct article usage
a card
show examples
or using mobile phone.
On the other hand
, some
people
who don't want to change their routine will be unhappy
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
giving up the
cash
payments
. The recent research on payment methods says that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
the majority of the world population are using either digitalized or card
payments
instead
of
cash
payments
.
Along with
this
it
also
states that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
most of the
people
who are aged more than fifty are using
cash
payments
. They are afraid to trust the
payments
which are made other than
cash
. The best example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
scenario
will be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
my grandfather,
Although
his pension amount is debited
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
his bank account, he used to withdraw his
cash
and make his
payments
. After discussing with him I came to know that he
don't
Change the verb form
doesn't
show examples
have trust in the
technologies
. In conclusion, the majority of the
payments
will happen through either card or
using
Verb problem
apply
show examples
mobile because of the sophisticated
technologies
.
Submitted by r.harip3 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure clarity when transitioning between ideas for a smoother flow.
Task Achievement
To enhance Task Achievement, consider adding varied, detailed examples that cover a wider scope of scenarios.
Language Use
A more complex range of sentence structures and vocabulary can elevate the essay's overall effectiveness and impression.
Task Achievement
The introduction and conclusion clearly state the essay's position and summary.
Task Achievement
The use of a personal example (the grandfather scenario) effectively supports the argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Logical organization of paragraphs and progression of ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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