IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Childhood obesity is becoming a problem thoughout the developed world . Because of this , some people think that adverts for fast food , sweets and sugary snacks should not be allowed in schools and colleges . To what extent do you agree or disagree with this ?

#childhood #obesity #thoughout #world #people #adverts #food #sweets #snacks #schools #colleges
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Obesity
 in
children
 is worsening at an unprecedented rate and many discussions have been made to overcome
such
situation
Correct article usage
a situation
show examples
. Some people view that the best
way
 to prevent
obesity
 in
children
 is by banning fast
foods
 and sweet
snacks
 in schools'
cafetaria
Correct your spelling
cafeteria
.
Although
 I believe it is a good precautionary measure, I do not agree it is the best
way
 to fight against
child
obesity
. Prohibition of selling junk
foods
 and sugary
snacks
 may be useful if students eat in their school's
cafetaria
Correct your spelling
cafeteria
 on a daily basis.
However
, many students bring their own lunch boxes to school and if they are still provided with unhealthy
foods
, it will still jeopardize the
child
's health.
Therefore
, I believe the restriction to
sell
Wrong verb form
selling
show examples
 junk
foods
 and unhealthy
snacks
 is not the best
way
 to combat
child
obesity
.
On the other hand
, I am of the opinion that good habits begin
from
Change preposition
at
show examples
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 level.
Thus
, the best
way
 is for
parents
 to lead their
children
 by
examples
Fix the agreement mistake
example
show examples
.
This
 means
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
parents
 need to show their kids a real example
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 how to have a well-balanced diet
as well as
 maintaining a sufficient amount of physical
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
.
Children
, who are still in an absorbing phase in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, will take after their
parents
'
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 and
therefore
 it will be easier for them to develop good habits if they already see
such
 habits
since
Change preposition
at
show examples
early
Add an article
an early
show examples
 age. In conclusion, I believe that restricting the sale of fast
foods
 and sweet
snacks
 in schools is not the best
way
 to fight against
child
obesity
 but I think it is a good step to start the awareness of living a healthy life for
children
. I personally think that the most important role to prevent a kid from getting
obessed
Correct your spelling
obsessed
 relies
under
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
parents
' capacity.
Submitted by sormindevina on

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Task Achievement
To enhance your response, provide more detailed and varied examples to support your arguments. This will strengthen your position and make your essay more compelling.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs. Using linking phrases can help bind ideas more coherently.
Task Achievement
Consider exploring and acknowledging opposing viewpoints to add depth to your argument and demonstrate critical thinking.
Task Achievement
Effectively introduced the topic and stated your position clearly.
Coherence & Cohesion
Concluded your essay well by summarizing key points and restating your stance, which reinforces your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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