IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

At the present, the population of some countires includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#population #countires #adults #people #situation
A balanced
population
 consist of almost equal amount of youth and older
adults
.
However
, certain nations
inculde
Correct your spelling
include
majority
Correct article usage
a majority
show examples
 of young
adults
 compared with
geriatric
Add an article
the geriatric
a geriatric
show examples
population
.
Although
 having ample youngsters
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
show examples
 tremendous advantages
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the respective
country
, losing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
older
people
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 certain disadvantages that can not be overlooked. I will discuss both aspects of
this
 matter before
infering
Correct your spelling
offering
 my constructive feedback. There are
abandant
Correct your spelling
abundant
 advantages of having a significant number of young
adults
.
Firstly
, young age is the golden period of
people
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 as they pursue
highest
Change the article
the highest
show examples
 level of physical and mental
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
 which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them able to use their maximum level of
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
show examples
.
Thus
, they can give their best in each field which indirectly helps the
country
 to grow for its betterment.
Secondly
, young
people
 have more updated
knowlege
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them a perfect candidate for
getting
Verb problem
apply
show examples
employment by applying new innovations in
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
technologocal
Correct your spelling
technological
 era. In
perticular
Correct your spelling
particular
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
imarting their novel
knowlege
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 and skill of working
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a
fast paced
Add a hyphen
fast-paced
show examples
 environment make them
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
potential contributors
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
overall
 development. To cite an example, Singapur is one of the developed countries of
world
Add an article
the world
show examples
 having a higher
population
 of youngsters which became a great
assest
Correct your spelling
asset
assist
 in
country
's
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 advancement. Talking about the flip side, the
imporatnce
Correct your spelling
importance
 of older
adults
 can not be avoided. To
expain
Correct your spelling
explain
further
, older
people
 have years of experience which is mandatory to run any business.
For instance
, if we look towards any successful
reknowned
Correct your spelling
well-known
 company, the manager or the chief
excecutive
Correct your spelling
executive
 position is occupied
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the most senior
peroson
Correct your spelling
person
 who can give constant
guidence
Correct your spelling
guidance
 and conflict
resoltion
Correct your spelling
resolution
 strategies that play
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
show examples
 role in achieving success. Amalgamating all the points from both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sides, I firmly opine that every
country
's
population
 should include a balanced proportion of young
adults
 and senior citizens. In that way, nations can get the advantages of not only new innovative ideas and
potnetial
Correct your spelling
potential
 energy from youngsters
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 expert
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
olders
Correct your spelling
older
adults
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
development.
Submitted by margijoshi19 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Structural Advice
Your essay has a good structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This structure helps in organizing your ideas and presenting them logically. However, try to avoid repetition and ensure each paragraph distinctly contributes to your argument.
Language Accuracy
Be cautious with spelling and grammatical accuracy. For example, 'abandant' should be 'abundant', 'imparting' rather than 'imarting', and 'Singapur' should be 'Singapore'. These small errors can distract from your otherwise clear arguments.
Content Development
Using specific examples strengthens your argument. The example of Singapore is a good start, but adding more concrete details or statistics could provide stronger support for your claims.
Argument Clarity
You've done well to address both sides of the argument, but make sure your conclusion clearly states your own stance. While you've suggested a balanced approach, reinforcing your view with a concise summary would enhance clarity.
Content Balance
Effectively addressed both advantages and disadvantages, providing a balanced view.
Cohesion
Good use of transitions to maintain flow and coherence between paragraphs.
Vocabulary Range
Successfully employed varied vocabulary to express your ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: