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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

in some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. what are the advantages and disadvantages giving children this message

#cultures #children #message
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In many cultures, the
children
Use synonyms
 are being told that burning
candle
Fix the agreement mistake
candles
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 at both ends will make all their dreams come true. Personally, I strongly side with
this
Linking Words
 view and I believe insisting on
this
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massage
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 brings about so many plus
pints
Correct your spelling
points
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 for
children
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. Telling
children
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than
Correct word choice
that
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 sufficient effort can help them to achieve their goals, will
results
Wrong verb form
result
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 in so many potential benefits. To start with,
this
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 statement will improve their
ambitiousness
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ambition
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. By way of illustration, if a 10-year-old child
believe
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believes
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 that he can be awarded
with
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apply
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noble
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the noble
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 prize in science, he will do his best in order to meet that need.
In addition
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,
this
Linking Words
Use synonyms
massage
Correct your spelling
message
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 makes
children
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optimist
Replace the word
optimistic
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 about their goals. If they don’t accept that their aims are achievable, they will soon
get
Verb problem
become
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 pessimist. Take,
a
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an
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 unwealthy child as an example. If he doesn’t believe that obtaining his dream home and car is feasible, he is going to lose his motivation.
moreover
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, serious problems
such
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 as depression and suicide in adults, stem from lack of
motivations
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motivation
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 in childhood. To clarify, a child who thinks that he is unwilling to make his dreams come true
,
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apply
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 has no reason to stay alive.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some argue that
this
Linking Words
Use synonyms
massage
Correct your spelling
message
show examples
 may result vice versa if their dreams don’t come true. They claim that sometimes
children
Use synonyms
 fail to achieve their goals and
this
Linking Words
 leads to losing self-confidence.
However
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, if parents teach them to believe in themselves and not to lose their self-esteem in failure situations, they are likely to try over and over again to satisfy their desires. Bottom line,
according to
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foregoing
Correct article usage
the foregoing
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 reasons we arrive at the conclusion that there are so many benefits in telling
children
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 to work hard in order to
fulfill
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fulfil
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 their needs.
Hence
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,
obviously
Add a comma
obviously,
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 the advantages of
this
Linking Words
massage
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 clearly outweigh
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
.
Submitted by aradzandieh.dvm on

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Language Complexity
Consider varying your sentence structure more to enhance readability and keep the reader engaged. While you are good at expressing your ideas, adding some complexity to your sentences could help demonstrate a higher command of the language.
Supporting Examples
To strengthen your argument, include more detailed examples or evidence. This could involve citing relevant studies or adding hypothetical scenarios that relate directly to your points, making your argument more convincing.
Spelling/Grammar
Be mindful of occasional spelling and grammar mistakes, such as 'massage' instead of 'message'. These slight errors don't detract significantly from your meaning but refining them will polish your presentation.
Vocabulary Variety
Use synonyms to avoid repetition. For example, you frequently use 'believe' and 'goals'. Using synonyms not only avoids repetition but also enriches your vocabulary use in the essay.
Introduction/Conclusion
Effective introduction of the main argument and a clear stance on the issue.
Example Use
Good use of examples to support your argument, such as the 'unwealthy child' scenario, which helps to illustrate your points.
Structure
Structured paragraphs with clear topic sentences that contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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