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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that being a bisinessman is burdening,while others believe that entrepreneurship gives the chance to live like the individual wants.To what extent do you agree

#people #bisinessman #entrepreneurship #chance
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Some are of the opinion that owning a
business
 brings burden,
while
 some others think being an entrepreneur gives choice for a
person
 to live in a way he
want
Change the verb form
wants
show examples
 to.I agree that an entrepreneur
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
flexibility
Correct article usage
the flexibility
show examples
 and freedom to design a life they would love to live. First of all, the job of an entrepreneur comes
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
with many responsibilities, predominantly the management of several departments without flaws on a day-to-day basis.
Moreover
, a
business man
Correct your spelling
businessman
show examples
 must
satisy
Correct your spelling
satisfy
 his/her employees in
such
 a way that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the laymen would develop trust towards the company which in turn results in longer relationships with the organization.
For instance
, it is highly important to identify and reward people who
performs
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perform
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 well.
In addition
, a businessman is
also
 liable to follow the rules and regulations and stay compliant
to
Change preposition
with
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 the governing authorities.To cite an example, one of the famous businessmen in India, was recently caught by the National Investigation Agency for not paying
full
Correct article usage
the full
show examples
 tax amount as per the records.All these aspects can lead
worries
Change preposition
to worries
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 and
burden
Fix the agreement mistake
burdens
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,
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apply
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 when a single
person
 owns a
business
. Despite all these drawbacks, there are several positive factors that can be considered, being an
entreprener
Correct your spelling
entrepreneur
.
Firstly
, it provides freedom to the
person
 who runs the
business
.
As
Change preposition
For
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an
Correct article usage
apply
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instance, he/she does not have to rely on someone to
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
descisions
Correct your spelling
decisions
 during crucial times.
Secondly
, it provides flexibility in all sectors of
business
.To explain
further
, when a single
person
 manages a
business
, one has the opportunity to expand to various parts of the world
according to
 their own preferences.
Lastly
, profit is not shared with anyone which is a huge win for any businessman.
This
 helps them to
buid
Correct your spelling
build
 an empire of their own prospects. In short, running a
business
 has got both benefits and
disadvatages
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
.Considering the
postive
Correct your spelling
positive
 sides of it, I
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that an
enterpreneur
Correct your spelling
entrepreneur
 can make independent decisions , enjoy freedom
as well as
 earn
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 income.
Therefore
, they have higher chances of
a
Correct article usage
apply
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living
a
Correct article usage
the
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 life they intend to.
Submitted by gloriasherin on

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Language Accuracy
Be mindful of typos and minor grammatical errors, as they can occasionally distract from the clarity of your argument. Proofreading can help improve the overall presentation of your ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance logical flow, consider using a wider variety of cohesive devices. This will help in clearly linking your ideas and arguments throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Expand your examples with more specific details to strengthen your arguments. This can provide a more solid foundation for your viewpoints and enhance the reader's understanding.
Task Achievement
Your essay provides a balanced view on the topic, effectively addressing both sides before stating your own position. This is excellent for task achievement.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have effectively used paragraphs to structure your essay, separating different ideas logically, which aids in reader comprehension.
Coherence & Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are well-presented, succinctly summarizing the main points and your stance, contributing to a coherent structure.
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