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There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
Some people believe that someone's achievements are related to their abilities
accomplishing
Change the verb form
to accomplish
show examples
 their academic
subjects
. Meanwhile, those who do not have a success story in
academic
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
show examples
usually
Add a missing verb
are usually
show examples
 ignored by society
although
 she has already achieved her dream in
different
Add an article
a different
show examples
 field.
This
 contention leads to some doubts and the ruler should consider
to remove
Change the verb form
removing
show examples
 non-academic
subjects
. Personally, I disagree with
this
 opinion since
children
 need to explore more about their preferences. A
further
 explanation will be presented below. First of all, removing non-academic
subjects
 from the curriculum will not solve the problem because
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
 their young period,
children
 still explore their passions whether they love to do something academic or not.
For example
, some
children
 may not enjoy learning math
due to
 its complexity.
Instead
 of studying math, they prefer drawing.
However
, if drawing is not available in the school, they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 improve their skills, unless they want to find a drawing course.
On the contrary
, the pressure on them tends to be higher since they are compelled to study math only
instead
 of drawing. Eventually, in the future, they might not get what they had dreamed of.
In addition
, non-academic
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 should become a stress-relieving media for
children
.
For instance
, sometimes
children
 are overwhelmed by too many assignments that they have to submit. If they do not have some kind of
stress-reliever
Correct your spelling
stress reliever
show examples
, the tension in their heads possibly gets worse day by day and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them feel sick. Having non-academic
subjects
,
such
 as sports and cookery will be very helpful for them to refresh their brains and to avoid bad effects that might attack their mental health. In conclusion, there is no need to remove non-academic
subjects
 from
school's
Correct article usage
the school's
show examples
 curriculum since they still have lots of positive impacts.
Submitted by srsdy008 on

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Task Achievement
Try to develop a clear position throughout the response. Your essay presents a standpoint but could benefit from clearer arguments and more direct statements of opinion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and topic sentences to better organize and link your ideas and paragraphs. This will help in enhancing fluidity and clarity.
Coherence & Cohesion
Incorporate more varied and complex sentence structures to demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. This can also make your arguments more compelling.
Task Achievement
Provide more detailed and specific examples to support your arguments. Real-life examples or more detailed hypothetical scenarios can add depth to your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have a good introduction that sets the stage for the discussion and a conclusion that effectively summarizes your viewpoint.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay is logically organized with paragraphs that each introduce a new idea, aiding the reader’s understanding.
Task Achievement
You tackle the topic from multiple angles, which shows an ability to think broadly about the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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