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Writing Samples
Band 7

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
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Some people believe that someone's achievements in the future are related to their abilities to accomplish their academic
subjects
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, those who do not have a success story in academics are usually ignored by society
although
Linking Words
 she has already achieved her dream in a different field.
This
Linking Words
 contention leads to some doubts that conclude the ruler should consider removing non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
. I firmly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion since
children
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 need to explore more about their preferences. A
further
Linking Words
 explanation of my point of view will be presented below. First of all, removing non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 from the curriculum will not solve the problem because
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
 their young period,
children
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 still explore their passions whether they love to do something academic or not.
For example
Linking Words
, some
children
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 may not enjoy learning math
due to
Linking Words
 its complexity.
Instead
Linking Words
 of studying math, they prefer drawing.
However
Linking Words
, if drawing is not available in the school, they can not improve their skills, unless they want to find a drawing course.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, the pressure on them tends to be higher since they are compelled to study math only
instead
Linking Words
 of drawing. Eventually, in the future, they might not get what they had dreamed of.
In addition
Linking Words
, non-academic
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 should become a stress-relieving media for
children
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, sometimes
children
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 are overwhelmed by too many assignments that they have to submit. If they do not have some kind of stress reliever, the tension in their heads possibly gets worse day by day and makes them feel sick. Having non-academic
subjects
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,
such
Linking Words
 as sports and cookery will be very helpful for them to refresh their brains and to avoid bad effects that might attack their mental health. In conclusion, there is no need to remove non-academic
subjects
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 from the school's curriculum since they still have lots of positive impacts on
children
Use synonyms
's future
as well as
Linking Words
 mental health.
Submitted by srsdy008 on

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Task Achievement
Continue to develop your ability to provide clear arguments and relevant examples to support your points. This adds depth to your essay and strengthens your position.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates effective logical organization and clear progression of ideas. Keep focusing on linking sentences and paragraphs smoothly to enhance readability.
General
Incorporate a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to elevate your writing. This will help present your ideas more effectively and engage the reader.
Introduction/Conclusion
Strong introduction and conclusion that clearly state your position.
Supporting Examples
Good use of examples to support your main points, providing clarity and depth to your arguments.
Logical Structure
Effective organization of paragraphs, each focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument, aids in the logical flow of information.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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