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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003.

The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003.
The given graph illustrates the proportion of
retirement
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 age of males and females in six countries in the year 2003.
Overall
Linking Words
, the highest
number
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 of
retirement
Use synonyms
 age on males was in
Korea
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and
Correct word choice
apply
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followed by France as the lowest.
In
Change preposition
On
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other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, the highest
number
Use synonyms
 of
retirement
Use synonyms
 age
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
Correct article usage
the female
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female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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 gender
wad
Correct your spelling
was
show examples
 in
Korea
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while
Linking Words
 the lowest was
France
Change preposition
in France
show examples
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
Korea
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 became first ranked in the
number
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 of
retirement
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 ages in male gender with 68
years
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 and 8
months
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and
Correct word choice
apply
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followed by Japan in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second ranked with 67
years
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 and 4
months
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. After that, other countries
such
Linking Words
 as
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 States, Australia, and Italy were ranked sequentially in
third,
Linking Words
fourth and fifth
position
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 in the
number
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 of
retirement
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 ages with 65
years
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 and 7
months
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 for the United States, 64
years
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 and 1 month for Australia, and Italy with 58
years
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 and 2
months
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.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, the
top ranked
Add a hyphen
top-ranked
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number
Use synonyms
 of
retirement
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 ages in female gender was
Korea
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 with 67
years
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 and 2
months
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 and Japan was in the second
position
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 with 66
years
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 and 9
months
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. For the next
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position
Add a comma
position,
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 there
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 States with 64
years
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 and 2
months
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 for the third
position
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, Australia
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the fourth
position
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 with 63
years
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 and 5
months
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, and Italy in
fifth
Correct article usage
the fifth
show examples
position
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 with 57
years
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 and 3
months
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. Meanwhile, the latest ranked was France with 56
years
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 and 9
months
Use synonyms
.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words retirement, number, korea, years, months, position with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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