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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the average consumption of cheese per person in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland between 1980 and 2020.

The graph below shows the average consumption of cheese per person in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland between 1980 and 2020.
#consumption #cheese #person #england #scotland #wales #ireland
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The bar chart depicts rates of
britishs’
Change noun form
britishs
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education
Use synonyms
 which is divided into
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
were
Correct your spelling
where
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 they
studying as
Wrong verb form
study
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 full-time or part-time in three different decades.
Overall
Linking Words
,all of
trends
Add an article
the trends
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 were increasing during these decades except
number
Change the article
a number
the number
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 of men who
educate
Wrong verb form
were educated
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as
Change preposition
apply
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part-time which
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
fluctuated. It can be seen that the part-time
education
Use synonyms
 in women started
around
Change preposition
at around
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 700
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 1970 and grew up to 800
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 1980
then
Linking Words
 it rose dramatically to
highest
Correct pronoun usage
its highest
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 point
around
Change preposition
of around
show examples
 1100
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
.In 1970, the start point of full-time
education
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
for
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female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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 was the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
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 value which was around 50
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
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,
then
Linking Words
 it went up rapidly to
reached
Wrong verb form
reach
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 200
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
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.But in the
last
Linking Words
year
Add a comma
year,
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 it did not increase a lot. The
statistic
Fix the agreement mistake
statistics
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
part-time
Correct article usage
the part-time
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education
Use synonyms
 of men
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
fluctuated which
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
began
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 1000
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
then
Linking Words
 decreased suddenly and went up slightly
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
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to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
900
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
,whilst the trend of full-time
education
Use synonyms
 increased steadily which was
started
Wrong verb form
starting
show examples
 from 100
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 to just over 200
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
.
Submitted by brightstargalaxy on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words education, thousands with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "trends" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "went up" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fluctuated" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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