IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

People are responsible for their happiness. Others feel happiness depends on other factors in their life. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

#people #happiness #factors #life
While
 many believe that people are responsible for their own
happiness
,
others
 argue that
hapiness
Correct your spelling
happiness
relied
Wrong verb form
relies
show examples
 on
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 factors in their life. Both
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
 and
Add an article
the reason
show examples
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 why I believe the former statement will be elaborated on in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, it might be sensible for some to believe that we should take care of our own
happiness
.
This
 is
possibly
Replace the adverb
possible
show examples
 because
happiness
 derived from ourselves is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
pure which
generally
Add a missing verb
is generally
show examples
 a way of thinking either
positive
Change the word
positively
show examples
 thinking or
to overcome
Change the verb form
overcoming
show examples
 any obstacle. Take self-love,
For example
: people nowadays
emphasis
Replace the word
emphasise
show examples
 more on self-love
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
 to
built
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 up one's joy that
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 them satisfied. Many opponents of
this
 idea might
oppose
Verb problem
argue
show examples
 that
happiness
 may derived from
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
external factors
such
 as fame, wealth,
acceptance
Correct word choice
and acceptance
show examples
. In
this
 respect
, .
Change the punctuation
,
.
show examples
For example
, people
pleaser
Fix the agreement mistake
pleasers
show examples
 will do anything to
satisfied
Wrong verb form
satisfy
show examples
others
 so that they can gain acceptance and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
respect from
others
 which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them happy.
However
, I personally argue in favour of self-oriented
happiness
 seeing that
its
Change the pronoun
it
show examples
prevent
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevents
show examples
 us from being jealous.
To simply
Change preposition
Simply
show examples
 explain, if we lingered our joy on
others
such
 as wealth or fame, we could never satisfied with
ourselve
Correct your spelling
ourselves
 as the more we gain the more we
happier
Add a missing verb
are happier
show examples
. But what if things
are not goes
Change the verb form
are not going
show examples
 well as we planned?
For instance
, if we
satisfied
Add a missing verb
are satisfied
show examples
 with what we already have and not
depends
Wrong verb form
depend
show examples
 on those
meterials
Correct your spelling
materials
 we can feel
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
 of our own. In conclusion,
although
 it is undeniable that
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
happiness
 often
depend
Change the verb form
depends
show examples
 on other factors than
themeselve
Correct your spelling
themselves
 can help them strive
more
Change preposition
for more
show examples
 passion, their
self-centered
Change the spelling
self-centred
show examples
happiness
 should not be neglected in order to secure one's self-esteem.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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Introduction
Ensure the introduction clearly presents both views before stating your position. This establishes a solid foundation for your essay.
Supporting Examples
Work on providing specific, detailed examples to support each point of view. This strengthens your argument and provides clarity to the reader.
Paragraph Structure
Maintain consistency in your argument and ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is elaborated upon. This helps in improving the logical flow and cohesion of your essay.
Accuracy
Be careful with spelling, grammar, and punctuation. While minor errors are tolerable, consistent errors can distract the reader and distort the message.
Understanding of Topic
You've shown a good understanding of the topic by discussing both views and providing a clear personal opinion.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay, providing a clear stance that aligns with the arguments presented.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Self-reliance
  • Positive psychology
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Well-being
  • Mindset
  • Personal choices
  • Environmental factors
  • Interpersonal relationships
  • Emotional resilience
  • Quality of life
  • Subjective well-being
  • External circumstances
What to do next:
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