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Band 5.5

Some people believe that friends have a bigger impact on young people while others think parents and teachers influence them more. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #friends #impact #parents #teachers #influence
Some individuals hold
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 opinion that
friends
 have
greater
Add an article
a greater
show examples
 influence on
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation
whereas
 others claim that family and tutors have a stronger impact. I tend to support the first position and in
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will explain my opinion. Family is the first place where we learn how to communicate, manipulate, and get attention.
Although
 today’s
parents
 spend with their children less
time
, it still could influence the
children’
Change noun form
children’s
show examples
 life. Schools, in
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
turn, have become a very popular alternative to family education, where teachers replace
parents
 and raise youth,
however
, no doubt that the ability of one tutor to establish a good connection with many pupils is limited. From my perspective, lack of
time
 and less individual attitude
prevents
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevent
show examples
 adults
to establish
Change preposition
from establishing
show examples
 a relationship strong enough to impact the
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 of teenagers. Young
people
 spend much
time
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
communicating with their peers online, which is why interactions with
friends
 play the biggest role in their development. The
major part
Replace the word
majority
show examples
 of modern young
people
 tend to have more virtual
friends
 compared to the number of real ones. Adolescent boys and girls spend a lot of
time
 following famous bloggers on
such
 platforms as YouTube or TikTok trying to copy the lifestyles and beliefs of modern influencers.
This
 is why I tend to support
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 idea that relationships with
friends
 have a stronger influence on young
people
unlike
Add the comma(s)
, unlike
show examples
 the impact of adults.
To conclude
, we are social creatures, and, in our society, the special place was always held by
parents
 and teachers, especially at the first steps of our being, but,
due to
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 lifestyle and digital technology, the
Correct your spelling
teachers
show examples
teaches
Correct your spelling
teachers
show examples
 and
parents
 became less relevant in young generation life and their place was taken by
friends
. Young
people
 spend most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
time
 trying to copy the well-known bloggers and less in communication with their families or educators.
Submitted by vikiregev on

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Coherence Cohesion
Ensure each body paragraph focuses on a single main idea to bolster clarity and effectiveness.
Coherence Cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance coherence between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Include more detailed examples and evidence to support your points, especially when discussing the influence of friends, parents, and teachers on young people.
Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, clearly state your opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for greater impact.
Task Achievement
The essay starts with a clear introduction stating both views and the writer's position, effectively setting the stage for the discussion.
Task Achievement
The conclusion effectively summarizes the discussed views and reaffirms the writer's opinion, enhancing the essay's overall clarity.
Coherence Cohesion
Logical structure and paragraphing are used effectively to separate and organize different ideas, contributing to the essay's coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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