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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #sense #competition #children #co-operate #adults
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Nowadays, many people think that
children
 should become competitive or they should be taught to co-operate. All people think that
diverse
Replace the word
diversity
show examples
.
Moreover
, many
children
 are willing to be competitive or together and choose themselves. If I consider these views, I would prefer a lot of young
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 and teenagers
become
Fix the infinitive
to become
show examples
 co-operate than competitive now that
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 together is amazing, important and profitable. It is my
assume
Replace the word
assumption
show examples
.
Nevertheless
, many adults and parents want to be competitive
children
. Working with
group
Add an article
a group
the group
show examples
 or playing with
team
Add an article
the team
a team
show examples
 is very interesting. They know all these efforts are encouraged by those around them, especially their families and teachers.
In addition
, these
children
 can experience failures and learn how to cope with them and overcome them. But,
this
 condition
also
 has negative effects on
children
such
 as difficulty making friends or feeling hatred towards others who are better than them.
According to
 the next view, cooperation allows
children
 to socialize more and learn many things from others that will help them in their future lives and careers. For
this
, their families or teachers can give them some responsibilities so that they consider themselves part of a group which will have positive effects on their personalities.
Furthermore
, these
children
 learn how to be generous by offering their knowledge and selves experiences to others.
As a result
, they can make good friendships with their peers. In conclusion, growing
in
Change preposition
up in
show examples
 a friendly and team-working atmosphere provides a better future for
children
. Having a peaceful life is the right of every child around the world.
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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, aim to present more relevant examples and ensure your arguments tie back directly to the question posed. Try refining your thesis statement to more explicitly address both views and your own stance.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence and cohesion by structuring your essay more clearly, with distinct introductory, body, and concluding paragraphs. Use transitional phrases to smoothly connect ideas.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with specific examples or evidence, enhancing the persuasive power of your arguments. Elaborate on each viewpoint with more detailed analysis before stating your opinion.
task achievement
You've captured a reflective stance on the importance of cooperation, emphasizing the value of teamwork and social skills.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear attempt to address both views, showing an understanding of the importance of balance between competition and cooperation for children.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • compete
  • cooperate
  • useful
  • adults
  • skills
  • motivation
  • drive
  • resilience
  • failure
  • workplace
  • empathy
  • social skills
  • reduce
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balanced
  • approach
  • ideal
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