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Band 5.5

In many countries, parents put a large amount of pressure on their children to achieve high grades at school, leaving very little to no time for them to take part in leisure activities. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

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Nowadays, some people believe that
children
 should put in
all-out
Add an article
an all-out
show examples
 effort to achieve high
grades
 at
school
, even though it may result in them losing out on time for leisure activities. In many countries,
this
 stress comes from
parents
 who want their
children
 to become top
students
.
This
 essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages. Some
parents
 expect their
children
 to achieve high
grades
 in
school
.
This
 opinion has several benefits that can be attributed to many reasons.
Firstly
,
children
 who achieve good scores in
school
 can boost their confidence and enhance their interpersonal relationships. When
students
 work hard to do something well, it will bring confidence.
In addition
, other
students
 who
also
 aim to achieve good
grades
 in
school
 will try to befriend
students
 who excel academically.
Secondly
,
students
 who have good
grades
 in
school
 will help them develop in the future. Some companies require job applicants to provide their
school
grades
 and insist on good academic performance before offering them a job.
This
 implies that
students
 who perform poorly in
school
 may struggle to secure employment.
Parents
 often pressure their
children
 to achieve high
grades
 in
school
, which can lead to some problems.
Firstly
, overlearning increases student pressure.
This
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 is harmful to
students
' mental health.
Students
 may suffer from mental health problems,
such
 as depression and panic,
due to
 excessive academic pressure.
Secondly
, achieving only good
grades
 hinders the development of other
skills
.
Students
 not only acquire knowledge but
also
 develop
skills
 in
school
. Focusing solely on getting good
grades
 may reduce
students
' opportunities to learn other
skills
 and pursue other interests.
To sum up
,
parents
 often encourage their
children
 to achieve high scores in
school
, which can have various effects
such
 as boosting confidence and improving interpersonal relationships.
However
,
this
 approach can
also
 lead to some issues,
such
 as mental health problems and a reduction in the development of other
skills
.
Submitted by m0751102 on

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Task Achievement
To achieve a higher score in task achievement, integrate more specific examples that illustrate the advantages and disadvantages discussed. This will provide a more comprehensive analysis and make your arguments more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, make use of a wider range of connective words and phrases. This will help to more clearly signal comparisons, contrasts, and logical transitions between ideas, improving the reader's ability to follow your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've effectively structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which enhances readability and organization.
Task Achievement
Your discussion on both the advantages and disadvantages of the given topic is balanced, demonstrating good task achievement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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