Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.
The majority of
the
countries have mandatory military Correct article usage
apply
services
for young men after they complete their school. Some feel that Fix the agreement mistake
service
this
would be the best idea for all countries to have this
system
for men as well as
women. This
essay will disagree with this
statement. Firstly
it will discuss how this
system
will affect the
young Correct article usage
apply
people
to plan their career
. Fix the agreement mistake
careers
Followed by
Wrong verb form
Following
this
it will discuss what are all the problems that can be caused to the
society.
By having Correct article usage
apply
this
compulsory military service
, the young people
will loss
their independence Replace the word
lose
of
choosing their own Change preposition
in
career
. Fix the agreement mistake
careers
As a result
of this
, they will loss
their motivation to achieve their dreams. Replace the word
lose
The
recent survey has stated that Correct article usage
A
people
with motive
to achieve something are more successful in their Correct article usage
a motive
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
,
when compared to those Remove the comma
apply
people
without motivation. The best example for this
scenarion
will be my friend named James. He had an ambition to become a Software Engineer, but his parents Correct your spelling
scenario
are
more Wrong verb form
were
drawned
towards the Military Correct your spelling
drawn
Service
and wanted him to pursue his career
in this
field. Even though he didn't had
Change the verb form
have
Correct article usage
an intrest
intrest
in that field, he agreed to join the Correct your spelling
interest
service
because of his parents
wish. Change noun form
parent's
parents'
As a result
of this
, he was unable to adapt to that enviroment
and came back to his home in a couple of Correct your spelling
environment
month
.
Change to a plural noun
months
Every
Correct quantifier usage
All
students
are not the same, each of them will have different dreams and various goals to achieve. This
military service
for young men system
may be useful for some people
, but others will not feel the same. The majority of the students
will feel like they are wasting their career
. Because of Fix the agreement mistake
careers
this
, the student will loss
the motivation to build their professional life. Replace the word
lose
As a result
of this
the society's economy will automatically be minimized.
In conclusion, the majority of the country may adopt Add a comma
this,
to have
Verb problem
apply
the
military Correct article usage
apply
service
for students
after school but this
system
will not be succeed
. The Change the verb form
succeed
students
should have their own rights
to choose their Fix the agreement mistake
right
career
. Fix the agreement mistake
careers
Consequently
, they can reach the highest position in their career
and the economy of the society will also
increased
.Change the verb form
increase
be increased
Submitted by r.harip3 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure a smoother flow and stronger connections between your ideas. You can achieve this by using varied and more precise connecting words.
Task Achievement
To further strengthen your essay, it's beneficial to explore both sides of the argument before presenting your position. This adds depth to your response.
Task Achievement
Incorporate specific, real-world examples to substantiate your arguments. While you mentioned your friend James, adding statistical data or studies can enhance the credibility of your points.
Introduction
You have a clear thesis statement that sets the tone for your essay.
Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance against compulsory military service, tying your essay together nicely.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?