Some people say that parents have the most important role in a child's development. However, others argue that other things like television or friends have the most siginificant influence. Discuss both views and opine.
It is argued that
children
are most influenced by their parents
in their development, while
others believe that outside influence has the most impact on them, such
as television or friends. I think that while
parents
have the most influence because they have lived together since babies, environmental factors play a vital role in shaping children
.
On one hand, parents
have more opportunities to lead on
their Change preposition
apply
children
because they have been together with
their babies since birth. Parents
usually set certain rules in the house as guidance for their children
on what is right and what is wrong, or to develop good habits. For example
, children
are taught to clean after themselves after a meal, brush their teeth before bed, or do chores together during weekends to keep the house clean and well-managed. However
, I think that many of the young do not favour rules and advice.
On the other hand
, children
are also
heavily influenced by entertainment and friends. This
is because they now enjoy a sense of friendship, the diversities from routine
at home and probably more freedom outside, Add an article
the routine
a routine
while
movies and games on the television also
portray another life that they never experienced at home. For instance
, at a certain age
many offspring start to ask their mother or father if they can sleep over at their friend's houses, so that they can spend more time together, playing and having fun. Add a comma
age,
Hence
, I think young children
are more influenced by external factors than at home.
In conclusion, I feel that even though some think that parents
have the most impact on children
's behaviour because they live together since birth, many children
are strongly influenced by their peers and other entertainment like television and games.Submitted by shaz.777 on
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task achievement
The essay touches on key points of the prompt, but some ideas could be further developed. For instance, you could elaborate more on the exact ways in which television and friends influence children, providing more specific examples or scenarios.
coherence cohesion
To improve clarity, ensure each paragraph has a single clear main idea supported by relevant examples. The paragraphs can feel a bit broad at times, which affects the effectiveness of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on linking sentences and paragraphs more smoothly. While the essay is understandable, transitions could be more fluid to help the reader follow your arguments effortlessly.
task achievement
You've presented a balanced discussion of both views and offered your opinion clearly, which is crucial for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effective. They succinctly present the topic and offer a summary, which strengthens your essay's structure.
task achievement
You've made use of several examples to support your points, which adds depth to your arguments. Good job!
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
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