Some people say that parents have the most important role in a child's development. However, others argue that other things like television or friends have the most siginificant influence. Discuss both views and opine.
It is argued that
children
are most influenced by their Use synonyms
parents
in their development, Use synonyms
while
others believe that outside influence has the most impact on them, Linking Words
such
as television or friends. I think that Linking Words
while
Linking Words
parents
have the most influence because they have lived together since babies, environmental factors play a vital role in shaping Use synonyms
children
.
On one hand, Use synonyms
parents
have more opportunities to lead Use synonyms
on
their Change preposition
apply
children
because they have been Use synonyms
together with
their babies since birth. Linking Words
Parents
usually set certain rules in the house as guidance for their Use synonyms
children
on what is right and what is wrong, or to develop good habits. Use synonyms
For example
, Linking Words
children
are taught to clean after themselves after a meal, brush their teeth before bed, or do chores together during weekends to keep the house clean and well-managed. Use synonyms
However
, I think that many of the young do not favour rules and advice.
Linking Words
On the other hand
, Linking Words
children
are Use synonyms
also
heavily influenced by entertainment and friends. Linking Words
This
is because they now enjoy a sense of friendship, the diversities from Linking Words
routine
at home and probably more freedom outside, Add an article
the routine
a routine
while
movies and games on the television Linking Words
also
portray another life that they never experienced at home. Linking Words
For instance
, at a certain Linking Words
age
many offspring start to ask their mother or father if they can sleep over at their friend's houses, so that they can spend more time together, playing and having fun. Add a comma
age,
Hence
, I think young Linking Words
children
are more influenced by external factors than at home.
In conclusion, I feel that even though some think that Use synonyms
parents
have the most impact on Use synonyms
children
's behaviour because they live together since birth, many Use synonyms
children
are strongly influenced by their peers and other entertainment like television and games.Use synonyms
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task achievement
The essay touches on key points of the prompt, but some ideas could be further developed. For instance, you could elaborate more on the exact ways in which television and friends influence children, providing more specific examples or scenarios.
coherence cohesion
To improve clarity, ensure each paragraph has a single clear main idea supported by relevant examples. The paragraphs can feel a bit broad at times, which affects the effectiveness of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on linking sentences and paragraphs more smoothly. While the essay is understandable, transitions could be more fluid to help the reader follow your arguments effortlessly.
task achievement
You've presented a balanced discussion of both views and offered your opinion clearly, which is crucial for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effective. They succinctly present the topic and offer a summary, which strengthens your essay's structure.
task achievement
You've made use of several examples to support your points, which adds depth to your arguments. Good job!
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?