IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that parents have the most important role in a child's development. However, others argue that other things like television or friends have the most siginificant influence. Discuss both views and opine.

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It is argued that
children
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 are most influenced by their
parents
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 in their development,
while
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 others believe that outside influence has the most impact on them,
such
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 as television or friends. I think that
while
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parents
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 have the most influence because they have lived together since babies, environmental factors play a vital role in shaping
children
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. On one hand,
parents
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 have more opportunities to lead
on
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apply
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their
children
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 because they have been
together with
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 their babies since birth.
Parents
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 usually set certain rules in the house as guidance for their
children
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 on what is right and what is wrong, or to develop good habits.
For example
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,
children
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 are taught to clean after themselves after a meal, brush their teeth before bed, or do chores together during weekends to keep the house clean and well-managed.
However
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, I think that many of the young do not favour rules and advice.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 are
also
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 heavily influenced by entertainment and friends.
This
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 is because they now enjoy a sense of friendship, the diversities from
routine
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the routine
a routine
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 at home and probably more freedom outside,
while
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 movies and games on the television
also
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 portray another life that they never experienced at home.
For instance
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, at a certain
age
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age,
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 many offspring start to ask their mother or father if they can sleep over at their friend's houses, so that they can spend more time together, playing and having fun.
Hence
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, I think young
children
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 are more influenced by external factors than at home. In conclusion, I feel that even though some think that
parents
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 have the most impact on
children
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's behaviour because they live together since birth, many
children
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 are strongly influenced by their peers and other entertainment like television and games.

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task achievement
The essay touches on key points of the prompt, but some ideas could be further developed. For instance, you could elaborate more on the exact ways in which television and friends influence children, providing more specific examples or scenarios.
coherence cohesion
To improve clarity, ensure each paragraph has a single clear main idea supported by relevant examples. The paragraphs can feel a bit broad at times, which affects the effectiveness of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on linking sentences and paragraphs more smoothly. While the essay is understandable, transitions could be more fluid to help the reader follow your arguments effortlessly.
task achievement
You've presented a balanced discussion of both views and offered your opinion clearly, which is crucial for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effective. They succinctly present the topic and offer a summary, which strengthens your essay's structure.
task achievement
You've made use of several examples to support your points, which adds depth to your arguments. Good job!

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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