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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Small business should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what level do you agree or disagree

#business #women #maternity #level
Nowadays,
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 and men are recruited in small
businesses
. Some say that small
businesses
 should not recruit
women
 who have not been married because owners are afraid of paying maternity leave later on.
This
 essay
disagree
Change the verb form
disagrees
show examples
 and will explain
further
 that small
businesses
 should not employ
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 who have not been married because younger
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
work
 more efficiently than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 who have
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 and younger
workers
 tend to follow the trend
that is
 useful for the small
businesses
.
Firstly
 , female
workers
 who
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 not been married will
work
 more efficiently because have more stamina and will
work
 recklessly than
women
 who have families. One clear example is that the younger the
workers
 the more stamina they have and older
workers
 tend to be more cautious of their bodies because the older they are, their bodies are more
fragiel
Correct your spelling
fragile
.
Furthermore
, younger
workers
 tend to attend
work
 more than older woman
workers
 who have their own families, because older woman
workers
 will take more paid leave
due to
 family matters,
such
 as their kids being sick or needing to take care of their family.
Secondly
, younger
workers
 tend to follow the trend
than
Correct quantifier usage
more than
show examples
 the female
workers
 who have families, because they spend more time scrolling through social media,
while
 the
women
workers
 who have family spend their time
to take
Change the verb form
taking
show examples
 care of
thte
Correct your spelling
the
 family,
such
 as their kids and their husbands. Following the trend can bring benefits to the small
business
,
for instance
, younger
workers
 can inform their managers how
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
viral marketing works nowadays. By making viral marketing
such
 as making videos that are trending, it can boost sales and bring more engagement to the
business
.
To sum up
 , small
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 should start
employ
Wrong verb form
employing
show examples
 young
women
 because it is more beneficial for the small
business
 because young
women
 are more effective in
work
 and can boost sales for the small
business
.
Submitted by sumitros97 on

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task response
Ensure that your introduction clearly states your position and outlines the main points that will be discussed in the essay. This helps the reader understand the direction your essay will take.
task response
Develop your main points with more specific examples and details. This will help in making your arguments more convincing and grounded in real-world scenarios.
coherence and cohesion
Work on improving transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay. Use appropriate linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with grammar and sentence structure. Some sentences are somewhat fragmented or awkwardly phrased. Ensure subject-verb agreement and avoid run-on sentences.
introduction and conclusion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, which frames your essay well.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay presents clear ideas and stays on topic throughout the text.
logical structure
The structure of the essay is logical, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point related to your main argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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