IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

young adults make up a higher proportion than older people in many countries. Why is that?

#adults #proportion #people #countries
It is true that there has been a demographic trend that shows a
high
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
 number of young adults than that of older people in some areas.
This
 essay will demonstrate that the demand for more children and poor education are two key factors that lead to
this
 trend.
Firstly
, the primary reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 a larger proportion of young adults is that some
famlilies
Correct your spelling
families
 in the past chose to have more children, which results in high fertility rates in current years.
That is
 to say,
this
 shift varies from personal preference to external factors that greatly contribute to
determine
Change the verb form
determining
show examples
 the importance of childbearing. A clear example can be seen with gender inequality which used to be an alarming issue in the late 1900s in China where dictated that women were supposed to give birth to more sons rather than more daughters despite the number of children they already had.
Secondly
, another possible argument causes
this
 demographic trend is
due to
 a lack of education.
In other words
, if the public can not gain access to information including proper instructions
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 contraception or knowledge of potential consequences, they will not have a sense of right and wrong to follow
accordingly
.
For instance
, in
such
 underdeveloped nations as Niger or Angola, there are either any educational institutions or well-trained teachers and the residents
cannnot
Correct your spelling
can't
cannot
 afford high tuition fees,
thus
 causing obstacles to raise awareness. In conclusion, increased fertility can be attributed to the interest in more minors and a lack of education.
Therefore
, if
not any
Rephrase
no
show examples
 measures have been taken, the urgent problem of an imbalance in age will continue to accelerate.
Submitted by banhbao0565 on

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task achievement
The essay should avoid repetition of phrases in the introduction and conclusion to maintain variety in expression. For example, the phrase 'young adults' appears too frequently.
task achievement
While the essay includes relevant examples, they should be more clearly linked to the arguments they support. For instance, the example of gender inequality in China should be explicitly tied back to the high birth rate argument.
coherence cohesion
Transitions between paragraphs can be smoother. Although you do use linking words like 'firstly' and 'secondly', try to use a variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are too complex and need to be broken down into simpler components for easier comprehension. Simplifying these sentences will help convey the points more clearly.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task effectively by discussing the main factors contributing to the demographic trend.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present, giving the essay a complete structure.
task achievement
The essay attempts to introduce compelling arguments supported by examples, showing effort in providing a comprehensive response.
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