IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #foods
While
 many believe that several people nowadays become severely
obesed
Correct your spelling
obese
obsessed
, others argue that
by increase
Wrong verb form
increasing
show examples
 the sales of high-fat foods will
resolved
Change the verb form
resolve
show examples
this
 issue. The reasons why I disagree with
this
 idea will be elaborated on in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, it may seem sensible for some to believe that
high
Correct article usage
the high
show examples
price
 of
product
Correct article usage
a product
show examples
 will prohibit the client
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 consuming fattening products.
This
 is
possibly
Replace the adverb
possible
show examples
 because they think that the higher the
price
 of food, the higher
Correct article usage
the month
show examples
month
Replace the word
monthly
show examples
 expense
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is, especially if you have three meal courses.
For instance
,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
white
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
collar labour with monthly wages alone might not make an end
meets
Correct subject-verb agreement
meet
show examples
 for their living, if the rise of
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 happened it trigger them to reconsider before buying.
However
, I rather personally argue in favour of an alternative idea seeing that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sales will do
anything
Correct pronoun usage
nothing
show examples
 better to resolve
this
 but to reduce the
price
 of healthy ingredients.
To simply
Change preposition
Simply
show examples
 explain, despite the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
price
,
this
 will not make an impact
toward
Change preposition
on
show examples
 those who are rich
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to others. To illustrates, when taking the relation of both energy and
price
in to
Join the words
into
show examples
 consideration people often prefer
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
higher fat
Add a hyphen
higher-fat
show examples
 diet over
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dull vegetable dishes. Take salads,
For example
; a bowl of salad mix
price
 can be equal to a whole tray of pizza. In a nutshell,
although
 it is undeniable that
the
Correct your spelling
this
show examples
 might somewhat
triggers
Change the verb form
trigger
show examples
 customers to reconsider before buying foods rich in fats, I am of the opinion that reducing the
price
 of healthy dishes is an effective
ways
Change the noun form
way
show examples
 in order to promote
Correct article usage
a health
show examples
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
living style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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grammar vocabulary
Work on improving grammatical accuracy and vocabulary usage. This will make your arguments clearer and more compelling.
content development
Develop your ideas with more depth. Explain your points more thoroughly to ensure your argument is persuasive.
introduction clarity
Your introduction effectively sets up the essay by presenting your stance and what you will be discussing.
supporting examples
You provide relevant examples that support your main points, which helps to clarify your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: