IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

many belive that young people should spend more of there free time with their family instead of other entertainment do you agree or disagree

#belive #people #time #entertainment
Workers or businessmen would spend a lot of leisure
time
 with their family and relatives rather than other work or just friends. More individuals spend their free
time
 with their
parents
 and
children
 because it is not a repetitive
time
.
Furthermore
, they do not forget their friends and coworkers.
For instance
, if
people
 have any problems or rainy days in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, others come to help them.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of
youngseters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
 should spend
precios
Correct your spelling
precious
time
 with
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
 , since these
memorise
Correct your spelling
memories
show examples
wan't
Correct your spelling
won't
want
 come back .
However
 ,
yonug
Correct your spelling
young
people
 opt for
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
instaed
Correct your spelling
instead
. It is important to be in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
relotinsgips
Correct your spelling
relationships
as well as
 assist family members in difficult times .
Such
 as many
middel-ages
Correct your spelling
middle-aged
people
appricate
Correct your spelling
appreciate
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
becouse
Correct your spelling
because
,
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
 or garandparents
age
Correct your spelling
are
show examples
 bigger than that type of
teenagers
Fix the agreement mistake
teenager
show examples
. And
then
 they can be avoided . Many old ages
people
 said that if
yonug
Correct your spelling
young
people
 have got free
time
 . They can
creat
Correct your spelling
create
show examples
 memorise for
instanse
Correct your spelling
instance
 they can
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
combincte smalle
Correct your spelling
combine small
 party or watching
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 with
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
 family again cookin with mather walking with
grandparents
Correct pronoun usage
their grandparents
show examples
 . And
teps
Correct your spelling
tips
steps
 and lessons can be learned from them . 
Becouse
Correct your spelling
Because
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 youth are older and
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
people
 have found
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 place in life.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 teenagers want to
spendther
Correct your spelling
spend their
spend the
time
 with friends online games
as well as
 that
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
chats
Fix the agreement mistake
chat
show examples
 or
ther
Correct your spelling
the
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
. The most important , thing
wich
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
 is most
teenagrs
Correct your spelling
teenagers
 would
prefor
Correct your spelling
prefer
perform
 alone.
Although
children
 want to stay alone ,
if
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 affects
theri
Correct your spelling
their
psychologe
Correct your spelling
psychology
. First of at it is very
harmfull
Correct your spelling
harmful
that
Change preposition
to that
show examples
 type of humans. And there If middle-aged
children
 were brought up under the care of their
parents
 or grandparents, or if they were raised by other
people
,
such
children
 have old-fashioned thoughts and, of course, an old worldview, and the worldview does not grow in them.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a basic structure, but the logical flow needs improvement. Try to organize your ideas more clearly and coherently.
Task Response
While you have addressed the topic, some of your points need more development and clarity. Make sure each paragraph expresses a single clear idea and use examples to support your points.
General
Work on improving your grammar and vocabulary usage. This will help make your arguments clearer and more persuasive.
Task Response
You have attempted to use specific examples to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have tried to include an introduction and a conclusion, which is good practice.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: