IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

People today are more concerned with owning material possessions than with developing friendships and family relationships. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#people #possessions #friendships #relationships
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People nowadays are more interested in owning material things than building strong relationships with friends and family. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because many
society
Change to a plural noun
societies
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 only focus on busy
work
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 every day without spending quality
time
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 with their relatives and have a high life standard that makes them pay expensive bills which triggers them to
work
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 harder. Modern people like nowadays mostly focus on
work
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 every day and have limited
time
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 to spend with their relatives because they are too tired after
work
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. Because
these
Change preposition
of these
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 limited times, some relationships with friends or family can not build stronger or even disconnected
Moreover
Linking Words
,
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 nowadays
have
Change the verb form
has
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 a high life standard because of social media trends that influence
community
Add an article
the community
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 to buy luxurious things to elevate their social status.
Therefore
Linking Words
 many
population
Change to a plural noun
populations
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 push their limits to
work
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 harder in order to collect money and pay their expensive bills.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon leads them to juggle and have side hustle jobs which leads them to not have
time
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 for socialising
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 others. In conclusion, Owning material things become a priority in society nowadays rather than connecting with friends and family because they have limited
time
Use synonyms
 resulting from juggling jobs and they have high debt
due to
Linking Words
 high life standards.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your essay could benefit from more specific examples to support your claims. For instance, you could mention particular social media trends or statistical data on work hours and social relationships.
task achievement
Work on creating clear, comprehensive ideas by elaborating on your points. Each paragraph should ideally introduce a single idea, support it with relevant evidence or examples, and explain how it relates to your overall argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay can be improved. Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next, and use linking words or phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your introduction provides a clear roadmap of the points you will discuss. Similarly, your conclusion should succinctly summarize your main points and restate your position in a compelling way.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences seem to be cut-off or lacking in continuity. Ensure that every sentence is complete and expresses its intended idea effectively. For example, the first sentence could be written as: 'Many people today are more interested in owning material things than in building strong relationships with friends and family.'
task achievement
You have a clear position and stick to it throughout the essay, which helps in maintaining focus.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a logical introduction and conclusion, which helps organize your thoughts and arguments.
task achievement
You address the topic comprehensively, touching on multiple aspects such as work commitments and societal trends.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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