IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many countries governments are investing in new technology to deal with the public Why is this happening? Do you think this is appropriate use of government money?

#countries #governments #technology #government #money
In the modern age, some governments want to spend
money
 on state-of-the-art
technology
 to cope with the community. The writer of
this
 essay will discuss the reason why it happens and give an opinion about the
money
 spent on
technology
 in the following essay. For and foremost,
technology
 plays an important role in the public that can improve public services.
To begin
 with, technological advancements can enhance the quality and accessibility of community services
such
 as healthcare, education, and transportation.
Moreover
, digital tools can increase government transparency by making information more accessible to the citizen.
As a result
,
technology
 can easily improve the quality of people's lives. Examples include intelligent transportation systems or online learning systems.
Although
 many benefits of
technology
 in the community,
this
 writer may have disagreed with the statement
that is
 an appropriate use of government
money
. First of all, it can be thought that government should spend more
money
 on the military because of the chaos of the world today. So everyone in that country can feel more safe with the strong army.
For instance
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the world nowadays has a war between Ukraine and Russia that can be very dangerous for Vietnam. To complete
this
, governments throughout the world attempt to identify those who utilize modern technologies to gain access to power and a multitude of statistics and data that can
last
 for minutes. Because contemporary intelligence has been beneficial, governments ought to contribute that
money
 to its advancement.
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task achievement
Your essay covers the main points required by the task, but it lacks some depth and specificity. Try to provide more concrete examples and detailed explanations to better support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay needs improvement. The connection between ideas is not always clear and sometimes the essay feels disjointed. Make sure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next, and use linking words to connect your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and serve their purpose, but they could be more engaging and cohesive. Make sure your intention is clear from the beginning and summarize your arguments effectively at the end.
task achievement
You have a good understanding of the task requirements and you touch upon both parts of the question. This is a good starting point for a strong essay.
task achievement
Your writing shows that you grasp the importance of technology in modern society, which is an important aspect of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You've made an effort to form paragraphs with distinct points, which is important for coherence and readability.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • digital transformation
  • service delivery
  • transparency
  • accountability
  • tech-savvy
  • contemporary lifestyle
  • public satisfaction
  • data management
  • smart city technologies
  • predictive policing
  • data privacy
  • digital divide
  • inclusivity
  • governance
  • infrastructure
What to do next:
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