IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some places, teenagers are encouraged to get part-time jobs while they are still in school. Do the advantages of teenagers working outweigh the disadvantages

#places #teenagers #jobs #school
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In today's era, every particular household has its own electronic item like a
computer
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. Having a
computer
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 carries lots of advantages , children can easily access knowledge about the world through Artificial Intelligence (AI).
Besides
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 that numerous teenagers
also
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 misuse computers by playing games and chatting. In
this
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 essay, I will examine the benefits and drawbacks of using computers and provide an eligible conclusion. Nowadays, having a
computer
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 is very common in every household. Many parents purchase a
computer
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 so their
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child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 can access new technology and be updated about current situations around the world and with that their children and learn new
things
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. In today's generation, several teenagers are engaged in learning about (AI) which can benefit them future and will kept updated.
For example
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, in recent times one
news
Correct quantifier usage
piece of news
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 came in front of everyone that a woman was visiting every doctor to get good treatment for his
child
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 but the astonishing thing was that no doctor was able to detect which kind of problem her
child
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 was going through, but when that woman wrote the
things
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 which her
child
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 was going through AI detected the problem
also
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 provide a solution even the shocking thing was that her
child
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become
Change the verb form
becomes
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 fit after a month. AI has made every
child
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's life uncomplicated with the help of (AI) they can learn
things
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 easily,
furthermore
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, AI has given them the opportunity to complete their homework, college assignments and many more
things
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 without any difficulties.
In addition
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, there are
also
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 some other kinds of children who have chosen to misuse new technology. Their parent gets them a
computer
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 so
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that they can gain new knowledge
instead
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they prefer to play games with their friends
also
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 they are busy chatting
whole
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apply
show examples
which has ruined their routine
also
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 they are scoring low in exams. In conclusion, in today's era, many people own a
computer
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 in their house,
numerous
Correct word choice
and numerous
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 students use computers to gain knowledge and be updated with the current scenario,
However
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, few of the
student
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students
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 misuse the technology by being active in games and chatting.
Submitted by tushalk329 on

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but make sure to directly address the essay prompt more explicitly to ensure you stay on topic.
task achievement
While your ideas are clear, try to develop them further with more detailed examples and explanations to fully address the task.
task achievement
Ensure your main points are consistently supported by relevant examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between paragraphs to enhance coherence. Transitions between ideas and sections can be smoother.
coherence cohesion
Rephrase some sentences for clarity and conciseness. This will help in making your points more impactful.
coherence cohesion
The essay should maintain a formal tone throughout. Avoid using conversational language or overly casual phrases.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly sets the context for the essay, making it easy for the reader to understand your perspective.
task achievement
You have included some relevant examples, such as the use of AI in healthcare, which illustrate your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear conclusion that summarizes the key points discussed in the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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