In some high schools, part of the curriculum requires students to participate in community work such as helping the elderly or disabled. In what way do children benefit from this? Do you think it should be part of the curriculum?
To begin
with, some high schools insists
Correct subject-verb agreement
insist
there
students Correct your spelling
their
to
participate in Remove the particle
apply
community
work such
as helping old people and people with special needs. Infact
, I have studied in a similar type of school. I Correct your spelling
In fact
would
be discussing the advantages of Wrong verb form
will
such
kind
of curriculum.
Correct article usage
a kind
Firstly
, when students do community
service
they become very humble, they
start respecting Correct word choice
and they
there
surroundings. Replace the word
their
Community
service
is a great way to serve the nation and its old citizens. While
doing community
services
, the student
understand the value of help, Fix the agreement mistake
students
For instance
, Japan has strict
curriculum where students till class 5th will not have any exams, rather they will be participating in Correct article usage
a strict
community
services
like cleaning school bathrooms, cleaning classrooms, chopping and cleaning vegetables in school
canteen. All these Add an article
the school
activites
are helpful in Correct your spelling
activities
buidling
the Correct your spelling
building
career
of their citizens.
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
Secondly
, such
kind of services
are immensely helpful to create
Change preposition
in creating
bond
with elders, classmates and friends. There will be no Fix the agreement mistake
bonds
discrepenancy
with respect to class, creed or religion. No showoff of wealth and Correct your spelling
discrepancy
while
doing community
service
people loose
their arrogance. Replace the word
lose
This
kind of services
are great way of helping the nation.
Fix the agreement mistake
service
To conclude
, I would say that having such
a curriculum where community
service
is must
is a very good thought and very good exercise for the kids who want to create bonds and learn how to stay grounded.Correct article usage
a must
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task achievement
Ensure consistency in your use of tense and pronouns. For example, 'some high schools insists' should be 'some high schools insist' and 'there students' should be 'their students.' Consistent use of tenses helps in achieving a more polished essay.
task achievement
Develop your main points further with more in-depth examples and explanations. For instance, you mentioned Japan's curriculum but didn't fully explain how these activities directly impact the students’ careers.
coherence cohesion
Organize your points into clear paragraphs to enhance the readability of your essay. For example, the introduction, body, and conclusion sections should be distinct.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. For example, 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' can be followed with transitions like 'Moreover' or 'Additionally' to improve the logical flow.
task achievement
Check for grammatical errors such as 'there' vs. 'their,' 'loose' vs. 'lose,' and sentence fragments which can disrupt the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.
task achievement
You have included a specific example from Japan, which strengthens your argument.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example