IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

In some high schools, part of the curriculum requires students to participate in community work such as helping the elderly or disabled. In what way do children benefit from this? Do you think it should be part of the curriculum?

#schools #part #curriculum #students #community #work #children #benefit
To begin
 with, some high schools
insists
Correct subject-verb agreement
insist
show examples
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 students
to
Remove the particle
apply
show examples
participate in
community
 work
such
 as helping old people and people with special needs.
Infact
Correct your spelling
In fact
, I have studied in a similar type of school. I
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 be discussing the advantages of
such
kind
Correct article usage
a kind
show examples
 of curriculum.
Firstly
, when students do
community
service
 they become very humble,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 start respecting
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
 surroundings.
Community
service
 is a great way to serve the nation and its old citizens.
While
 doing
community
services
, the
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 understand the value of help,
For instance
, Japan has
strict
Correct article usage
a strict
show examples
 curriculum where students till class 5th will not have any exams, rather they will be participating in
community
services
 like cleaning school bathrooms, cleaning classrooms, chopping and cleaning vegetables in
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 canteen. All these
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
 are helpful in
buidling
Correct your spelling
building
 the
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 of their citizens.
Secondly
,
such
 kind of
services
 are immensely helpful
to create
Change preposition
in creating
show examples
bond
Fix the agreement mistake
bonds
show examples
 with elders, classmates and friends. There will be no
discrepenancy
Correct your spelling
discrepancy
 with respect to class, creed or religion. No showoff of wealth and
while
 doing
community
service
 people
loose
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 their arrogance.
This
 kind of
services
Fix the agreement mistake
service
show examples
 are great way of helping the nation.
To conclude
, I would say that having
such
 a curriculum where
community
service
 is
must
Correct article usage
a must
show examples
 is a very good thought and very good exercise for the kids who want to create bonds and learn how to stay grounded.
Submitted by neelima.sharma60 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure consistency in your use of tense and pronouns. For example, 'some high schools insists' should be 'some high schools insist' and 'there students' should be 'their students.' Consistent use of tenses helps in achieving a more polished essay.
task achievement
Develop your main points further with more in-depth examples and explanations. For instance, you mentioned Japan's curriculum but didn't fully explain how these activities directly impact the students’ careers.
coherence cohesion
Organize your points into clear paragraphs to enhance the readability of your essay. For example, the introduction, body, and conclusion sections should be distinct.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. For example, 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' can be followed with transitions like 'Moreover' or 'Additionally' to improve the logical flow.
task achievement
Check for grammatical errors such as 'there' vs. 'their,' 'loose' vs. 'lose,' and sentence fragments which can disrupt the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.
task achievement
You have included a specific example from Japan, which strengthens your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • empathy
  • emotional intelligence
  • social skills
  • team collaboration
  • real-world experience
  • civic responsibility
  • self-esteem
  • hands-on learning
  • career exploration
  • skill development
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!