IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people get into debt by buying things they don’t need and can't afford. What are the reasons of this behavior? What actions can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?

#people #debt #don’t #behavior #actions
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Income has an integral part in life expectancy. It is,
therefore
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, not surprising to see how it has caused a controversy among
people
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 about the main reason
of
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for
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 buying new
staff
Correct your spelling
stuff
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 they don’t need and can’t afford. Some
people
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 think
about
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apply
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that popular culture is the fundamental reason
of
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for
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this
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problem
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 and it can be solved by balancing between wants and needs. Social media is a bedrock of society and directly affects our lives. Advertisements which are a part of social media
are influence
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influence
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 our insecurities, worries, and weaknesses.
For instance
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, the main target of influencers is to make
people
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to
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apply
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buy something even if they do not need it
such
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 as make-up tools.
It is clear that
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 we are social creatures, and, being loved, respected and approved has a crucial impact on relationships and social life balance. Popular culture leads
people
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 to buy fashionable and useless tools like Stanley
quencher
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Quencher
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 for each colour.
Therefore
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, some
people
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 buy so many things without considering the consequences.
To begin
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 to tackle
this
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 situation,
costumers
Correct your spelling
customers
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 need to focus on balancing between wants and needs. It is important that
being
Wrong verb form
be
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awareness
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aware
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about
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of
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 the
problem
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.
It is clear that
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 accepting the
problem
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 is the first step and understanding the social media dynamics plays a significant role in
this
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 subject.
Therefore
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, focusing
in
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on
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 human
phycology
Correct your spelling
psychology
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 will help to
understanding
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understand
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 mental
strengthen
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strength
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 and buying motivation.
For instance
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,
over shopping
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over-shopping
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 is like a meditation for some
people
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 to
overcoming
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overcome
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 from problems.
Also
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, it is highly helpful as recognise not only wants and needs but
also
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 spoil ourselves buy wants from time to time.
To sum up
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,
people
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 have a totally different perspective
about
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on
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this
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 matter.
Nevertheless
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, when everything is taken into account, I believe that popular culture is the fundamental
problem
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 of
over
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apply
show examples
shopping and it can be solved by
balanced
Correct article usage
a balanced
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 approach between wants and needs.
Submitted by emiretatli7 on

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task response
Your essay provides a somewhat complete response to the prompt, addressing both the reasons behind the given behavior and suggesting actions to curb it. However, further elaboration and depth in explanation would strengthen your argument. Try to provide more specific reasons and solutions next time.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay follows a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, a more logical flow of ideas would improve coherence. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly from one to the next. For example, try to link ideas and paragraphs more effectively to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence, enhance your use of linking words and phrases. This will help connect ideas within paragraphs more effectively. Review paragraphs to ensure each contains one primary idea that is well-supported by details and examples.
task response
Your essay clearly identifies popular culture, especially social media, as a reason for people buying things they don’t need. This shows a good understanding of societal influences.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a structured beginning and end to your argument.
task response
You provide specific examples, such as influencers promoting unnecessary items and fashionable yet useless tools, which strengthens the relevance of your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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