IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

some people think that money is the most important factor in promoting happiness? do you think people can be happy without money? what other factors contribute towards hapiness?

#people #money #factor #happiness #factors #hapiness
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Nowadays, most people imagine that
money
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 can bring
happiness
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 and it is necessary for them. People who have a good view of
life
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 can be happy without
money
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 because they have another factor to be satisfied.
This
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 essay will explain these two points of view. To be clear, almost all humans think
money
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 can make their lives better and give them power and a great position in the community. Unfortunately, that can be indignation for many reasons.
As a result
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 of
this
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 kind of thinking he will not get a good
life
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 and many things will get away from his sight.
However
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, the person must live his
life
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 without
money
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 stress. Many factors can lead to
happiness
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 like Physical health and mental well-being.
such
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 as practice, diet and avoiding stress.
For
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example
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example,
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 Positive feelings can change
mood
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the mood
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 and physical health so, self-acceptance and a positive mindset can greatly influence
happiness
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. Yet the person must make his way to
happiness
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. In conclusion,
money
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 is not everything in
life
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 one can find his own way to
happiness
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. From my own personal point of view, a lot of people need more information about
happiness
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. In the
end
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end,
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 find you are way
to
Replace the word
too
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 happy.
Submitted by hanadi.alajmi92 on

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task achievement
Ensure your essay addresses all parts of the task with balanced arguments. While you discussed both whether money is necessary for happiness and other contributing factors, more detail and balance are needed.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs and ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next for better coherence. This will make your essay easier to follow and understand.
task achievement
Use specific and relevant examples to support your main points more effectively. This helps in making your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure can be enhanced by breaking down ideas into distinct and well-connected paragraphs. Each point should be clearly introduced and expanded upon.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and contribute to a well-rounded essay structure.
task achievement
You addressed both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach to the task.
task achievement
You attempted to offer examples, such as discussing the role of physical and mental well-being in happiness.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial
  • comforts
  • reliant
  • financial wealth
  • achievements
  • mental health
  • materialistic
  • immeasurable
  • joy
  • satisfaction
  • community
  • social connections
  • supportive
  • well-being
  • physical health
  • stress management
  • spiritual
  • philosophical
  • meaning
  • purpose
  • peace
  • self-acceptance
  • positive mindset
  • optimistic
  • sustainable
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