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Band 5.5

More and more people today are moving from the countryside. Why is this happening? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?

#people #countryside #development
With the startling pace of modernization and economic
development
, there is an upward trend that more and more rural residents are relocating to big cities.
This
 phenomenon exists for a number of reasons and I reckon that it brings disadvantageous effects as a whole.
People
 moving from
Correct article usage
the countrysides
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countrysides
Fix the agreement mistake
countryside
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 to
metropolis
Correct article usage
the metropolis
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 nowadays are mainly for
further
 academic
pursuit
Fix the agreement mistake
pursuits
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, diverse job opportunities and
modernized
Correct article usage
a modernized
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 lifestyle.
To begin
 with,
world famous
Add a hyphen
world-famous
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 universities are usually located in cities,
therefore
, moving out from the rural area and entering higher education is the first step to constitute the bright prospect of country students.
In addition
, to
acheive
Correct your spelling
achieve
a
Correct article usage
apply
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better career
development
,
people
 are more likely to get more chances in urban areas as there are more big companies and industries in all fields.
Last
 but not least, modernized city life is an attraction, especially to the
youngests
Correct your spelling
youngsters
. It's more convenient to enjoy international food and
night life
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nightlife
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, it's easier to find and socialize with
people
 sharing the same interests and hobbies.
However
, the explosion of
urban
Correct article usage
the urban
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 population will eventually result in negative impacts. First of all, it will disrupt the balance of the job market, unemployment will increase
due to
 the great talent competition.
Secondly
, traffic
congestions
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congestion
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 will
be
Unnecessary verb
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worsenen
Correct your spelling
worsened
worsen
worsening
 and the increasing pollution will lead to environmental problems
such
 as global warming.
On the other hand
,
while
 the
poplulation
Correct your spelling
population
 in cities is increasing, there are fewer and fewer
people
 living in the
countrysides
Fix the agreement mistake
countryside
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, which means less labour force in rural areas.
Consequentely
Correct your spelling
Consequently
,
this
 phenomenon will hinder the
development
 of regional economic growth.
To conclude
,
people
 moving out from their
hometown
Fix the agreement mistake
hometowns
show examples
 aim for different pursuits,
however
, I reckon it is a disturbing trend because it is not positive for
a
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apply
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sustainable societal
development
 in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 long term.
Submitted by carriexue23 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from a clearer topic sentence for each paragraph to improve coherence. For example, explicitly state the main point of the first paragraph before listing reasons people move to cities.
linguistic accuracy
Watch out for minor language errors and typos, such as 'acheive' (achieve), 'worsenen' (worsen), 'poplulation' (population), and 'consequentely' (consequently). These minor errors slightly affect the overall readability.
task achievement
Including a few specific examples, such as naming a particular city or university, would enhance the relevance and specificity of the points made. This would help reinforce your arguments more concretely.
task achievement
The essay covers all parts of the task, providing reasons for rural to urban migration and discussing its impacts effectively.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the essay nicely and makes it easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well supported with justifications, making the essay convincing and comprehensive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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