IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

More and more people today are moving from the countryside. Why is this happening? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?

#people #countryside #development
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With the startling pace of modernization and economic
development
Use synonyms
, there is an upward trend that more and more rural residents are relocating to big cities.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon exists for a number of reasons and I reckon that it brings disadvantageous effects as a whole.
People
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 moving from
Correct article usage
the countrysides
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countrysides
Fix the agreement mistake
countryside
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 to
metropolis
Correct article usage
the metropolis
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 nowadays are mainly for
further
Linking Words
 academic
pursuit
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pursuits
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, diverse job opportunities and
modernized
Correct article usage
a modernized
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 lifestyle.
To begin
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 with,
world famous
Add a hyphen
world-famous
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 universities are usually located in cities,
therefore
Linking Words
, moving out from the rural area and entering higher education is the first step to constitute the bright prospect of country students.
In addition
Linking Words
, to
acheive
Correct your spelling
achieve
a
Correct article usage
apply
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better career
development
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,
people
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 are more likely to get more chances in urban areas as there are more big companies and industries in all fields.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, modernized city life is an attraction, especially to the
youngests
Correct your spelling
youngsters
. It's more convenient to enjoy international food and
night life
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nightlife
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, it's easier to find and socialize with
people
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 sharing the same interests and hobbies.
However
Linking Words
, the explosion of
urban
Correct article usage
the urban
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 population will eventually result in negative impacts. First of all, it will disrupt the balance of the job market, unemployment will increase
due to
Linking Words
 the great talent competition.
Secondly
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, traffic
congestions
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congestion
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 will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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worsenen
Correct your spelling
worsened
worsen
worsening
 and the increasing pollution will lead to environmental problems
such
Linking Words
 as global warming.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 the
poplulation
Correct your spelling
population
 in cities is increasing, there are fewer and fewer
people
Use synonyms
 living in the
countrysides
Fix the agreement mistake
countryside
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, which means less labour force in rural areas.
Consequentely
Correct your spelling
Consequently
,
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon will hinder the
development
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 of regional economic growth.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
people
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 moving out from their
hometown
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hometowns
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 aim for different pursuits,
however
Linking Words
, I reckon it is a disturbing trend because it is not positive for
a
Remove the article
apply
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sustainable societal
development
Use synonyms
 in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long term.
Submitted by carriexue23 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from a clearer topic sentence for each paragraph to improve coherence. For example, explicitly state the main point of the first paragraph before listing reasons people move to cities.
linguistic accuracy
Watch out for minor language errors and typos, such as 'acheive' (achieve), 'worsenen' (worsen), 'poplulation' (population), and 'consequentely' (consequently). These minor errors slightly affect the overall readability.
task achievement
Including a few specific examples, such as naming a particular city or university, would enhance the relevance and specificity of the points made. This would help reinforce your arguments more concretely.
task achievement
The essay covers all parts of the task, providing reasons for rural to urban migration and discussing its impacts effectively.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the essay nicely and makes it easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well supported with justifications, making the essay convincing and comprehensive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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