Some countries achieve international success by building specialized facilities to train top athletes instead of providing sports facilities that everyone can use. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

In modern society, interest in
sports
has increased by
citizens
not only for global Olympic
sports
but
also
for daily exercising. There are some
people
who have claimed that the government should provide
sports
facilities
for ordinary
citizens
to motivate them to play
sports
.
This
is true;
however
, I
also
understand that the
country
should invest money in establishing specialized
facilities
to train capable athletes to promote
countries
worldwide.
Firstly
, investing money in top athletes can develop and introduce our
countries
internationally. If a top
sports
player wins a worldwide
sports
game like
Olympics
Correct article usage
the Olympics
show examples
or World Cup,
people
from all over the world will start to pay attention to that
country
. When players who were sponsored by specialized
facilities
become popular,
then
they might be able to attract visitors from other
countries
. What
this
explains is that,
for instance
, Son
heong
Change the capitalization
Heong
show examples
min, who is the most famous soccer player in the world, has developed our
country
's status. Even though he plays for European
countries
, making good performances, a lot of
people
have recognized our
country
and tried to visit South Korea. For these reasons, I believe investing money to establish special buildings for
sports
players seems effective at improving
countries
' profits from travel and other finances.
However
, citizen's authority over
sports
may be decreased which could be able to detrimental effects on society. If
sports
centres are extremely geared to improving top athletes,
people
may not be able to access
sports
facilities
often as their quality is bad. What I am concerned about is that
this
will discourage
citizens
from exercising in their daily lives, which can probably affect their health.
Moreover
, not providing
sports
facilities
to
citizens
will deprive their chances to discover
sports
abilities, especially for young
people
.
In other words
, teenagers cannot notice their
sports
talent if they don't have appropriate space for exercising.
Therefore
, I believe
this
can contribute to the social disparity among
citizens
.
To sum up
,
although
I recognize that specialized
sports
centres will benefit
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not only players but
also
countries
in many views, I believe providing enough
sports
buildings for
citizens
seems imperative for our societal harmony. I wish all
people
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sports
facilities
to
strength
Replace the word
strengthen
show examples
their health and discover their hobbies.
Submitted by kchengii on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay provides clear and comprehensive ideas, but there are some areas where you could be more precise. Try to expand on your ideas more thoroughly to ensure clarity. For example, explain more about how ordinary citizens benefit from general sports facilities.
task achievement
Some of the arguments in your essay need more specific examples and detailed explanations. Including more relevant specific examples can strengthen the points you make. For instance, you could mention more examples of countries or athletes benefiting from specialized facilities.
coherence cohesion
Your essay generally flows well and is logically structured, but there is room for improvement in terms of the logical progression of ideas. Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next and that all points build logically on each other.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a good conclusion, but you could add more to your conclusion to effectively summarize the points made in the essay. A stronger conclusion will leave a lasting impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and logical structure to your essay, making it easy to follow your arguments. Each paragraph addresses a distinct point, which helps in maintaining coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly presents the issue and your position, which sets up the reader for what to expect in the essay.
task achievement
You support your main points with relevant examples, such as mentioning Son Heung-min, which helps to illustrate your arguments.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • international success
  • specialized facilities
  • top athletes
  • sports facilities
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • excellence in sports
  • lack of access
  • general public
  • international sports events
  • unequal distribution
  • resources
  • inspire
  • motivate
  • aspiring athletes
  • neglecting
  • areas of development
  • contribute to
  • economy
  • excessive focus
What to do next:
Look at other essays: