IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many young people do not spend their holidays and weekends doing outdoor activities like hiking and climbing in natural environments. Why is this the case? How can they be encouraged to go out?

#people #holidays #weekends #activities #environments #case
By the millenniums
adults
 preference about westing their weekend have been changed. Nowadays they tend to spend their weekend by not doing physical challenges on the outside. It has wrong
due to
 the fact that, they dont have anough data about
this
activities
.Teenagers will be involved
activities
 in natural, if the company strong advertisement on social
platforms
.
To begin
 with, in
this
 field grown ups do not own knowladge about variety of outdoor
activities
.They keep with belief that there is nothing exciting for youth .
For example
:In fact, there are more than 20
activities
 in Utah,but only a few percent of
adults
 know about it.
Thus
, lack of information about
such
 industry contribute
adults
 to choose an another option. It is known that teenagers have addiction from social
platforms
. If
companies
 whom belong the outdoor
activities
 do a powerful PR on social
platforms
, it will become interesting for them to try it.
For example
: in the Uzbekistan,
companies
 pay more attention on advertising their services both on social networking systems.Since it has been involved, more
then
 half percent of visitors turning to teenagers.
Therefore
, if
companies
 do more advertising in social
platforms
, more
adults
 will be encouraged into climbing and e.d. In conclusion,The main reason of the issue is that there are not enough data about challenges in natural environments.In order to copy with
this
companies
 should care about public relation.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct grammar and spelling errors. For example, 'westing' should be 'wasting' and 'knowladge' should be 'knowledge'.
coherence cohesion
A stronger conclusion can reinforce your points more effectively. Summarize your main points clearly and concisely.
task achievement
Providing more detailed and relevant specific examples can help to illustrate your points better. Cite real-world data or studies if possible.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a bit in logical flow. Ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next will help in improving coherence. Using transitional words and phrases can help with this.
task achievement
Work on ensuring that each main point is well-supported with arguments and evidence. This will make your essay appear more convincing and comprehensive.
task achievement
Clarify your sentences, some are a bit difficult to understand due to wording. For example, 'grown ups do not own knowladge' can be rephrased to 'adults often lack knowledge'.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the structure of your essay is logical and each paragraph deals with a single idea, supporting the main argument of that section.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task prompt well by discussing both the reasons why young people are not engaging in outdoor activities and providing potential solutions.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your discussion nicely.
task achievement
You identified social media as a potential solution, which is a relevant and insightful point given current trends.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • digital entertainment
  • urbanization
  • peer influence
  • natural environments
  • engage in outdoor activities
  • lack of awareness
  • safety concerns
  • convenient
  • remote areas
  • benefits
  • unfamiliar areas
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