IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is universally accepted that eating too much sugar has a negative effect on people’s health. Therefore, some believe that the government should control the amount of sugar people consume. Others think that it is the responsibility of an individual to monitor their sugar intake. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#sugar #effect #people’s #health #believe #government #control #amount #people #responsibility #intake
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The consideration of healthiness in many societies is increasing and
people
Use synonyms
 tend to control their lifestyle and diet. One thing that has been considerating is the
consumption
Use synonyms
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
 which is proven to have bad effects on health. There are individuals who believe the
government
Use synonyms
 should take
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
action to prevent
people
Use synonyms
 from
intake
Use synonyms
 too much
sugar
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, there is a strong opinion that it is part of individual responsibility to have self-control. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, we will discuss both perspectives on the high
consumption
Use synonyms
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, some
people
Use synonyms
 suggest that the
government
Use synonyms
 should take preventive action to control
sugar
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
diet
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
show examples
. These actions could be implemented by educating
people
Use synonyms
 about the normal amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 for daily
intake
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,
for example
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 could advertise it on social media or television to ensure that
people
Use synonyms
 understand the impacts of higher
sugar
Use synonyms
consumption
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.
Thus
Linking Words
,
people
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 could be more aware of their
sugar
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consumption
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are many societies
opine
Correct pronoun usage
that opine
show examples
 that there is freedom of choice that belongs to anyone including what they consume.
People
Use synonyms
 believe that everyone should be responsible for their own health and lifestyle.
Besides
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, they believe that it is useless to prevent
people
Use synonyms
 from consuming
sugar
Use synonyms
although
Linking Words
 they are aware of the bad effects, if they have no self-control. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
, the
intake
Use synonyms
 of
sugar
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 depends on each individual and
people
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 can only
give
Verb problem
raise
show examples
awarness
Correct your spelling
awareness
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, everyone should have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
self-control
apply
Wrong verb form
applied
show examples
 for themselves,
however
Linking Words
, there might still
Use synonyms
people
Add a missing verb
be people
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have not been educated about the
consumption
Use synonyms
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
 at
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 rate.
Due to
Linking Words
 the fact of it, it is a space that the
government
Use synonyms
 should take to educate
people
Use synonyms
 about the normal amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
intake
Use synonyms
apply
Wrong verb form
applied
show examples
 daily and let them know the impacts of high
consumption
Use synonyms
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 could be a middle way of both perspectives.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
To enhance the task achievement, you should provide more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. This will not only make your points clearer but also strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on providing a clearer and more logical structure. The transitions between ideas could be more fluid, and the arguments could be developed in a more structured manner
task achievement
Pay attention to grammar and choice of words. There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases that can affect the clarity of your ideas. For instance, replace 'considerating' with 'considering' and 'apply' with 'be applied'. Improving accuracy will make the essay more comprehensible.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, laying a solid foundation for your essay. This makes the structure easy to follow.
task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the question, addressing both viewpoints and presenting your own opinion.
clarity of ideas
Your main ideas are clear and comprehensive, showing a good understanding of the topic and the relevant arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • negative effect on health
  • government control
  • sugar consumption
  • public awareness campaigns
  • excessive sugar
  • regulations
  • tax on sugary products
  • limits for sugar levels
  • manufacturers
  • accountability
  • freedom of choice
  • health implications
  • dietary habits
  • lifestyle changes
  • reading labels
  • healthier alternatives
  • self-regulation
  • personal accountability
  • external regulations
  • public health measures
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