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Band 3.5

Some people believe zoos are good places for people to learn about animals. Other people believe animals belong in nature and it is wrong to keep them in zoos. What do you think? Explain, giving specific reasons for your choice.

#people #zoos #places #animals #nature #choice
There has been an ongoing debate about whether
animals
 should be in zoos so that people can learn more about
animals
 or
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
 undeniably belong to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 natural homes and improve their skills in hunting, fertilizing, and playing around. Personally, I believe that it is efficient to keep them in the zoo for some specific reasons.
To begin
 with, in
this
 modern world, cutting down trees from forests has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased because of the overutilization of paper.
Accordingly
,
animals
 are
also
 accompanied illegally.
Furthermore
, species that inhabit the mountains are
also
got
Verb problem
apply
show examples
killed illegally by a majority of hikers.
For instance
, in Mongolia, mazaalai bears were killed by hikers several
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
 because of not paying attention to their safety.
On the other hand
, zoos play important roles in species and humanities.
Furthermore
, they would be fascinating places to learn and explore
animals
 in many ways, namely how they feed themselves, how they sleep, and how they take care of others so that we can discover what kind of same habits of
animals
 and
humanities do
Wrong verb form
humanity
show examples
 they have.
For example
, both calves suck their trunks like toddlers suck their
thumb
Fix the agreement mistake
thumbs
show examples
.
To sum up
, I believe that keeping
animals
 in zoos
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 wrong, but it is the safest way to conserve their lives.
Submitted by nazim200709 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear position on the topic, which is great. However, it is necessary to flesh out your arguments more comprehensively. Provide more detailed reasons and examples to strengthen your stance.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally well-structured with an introduction and conclusion, the transitions between your ideas could be smoother. Ensure each paragraph flows logically from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which is crucial for a well-rounded argument.
task achievement
You have included specific examples, like the mazaalai bears in Mongolia, which help support your arguments.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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