IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

The bar chart shows the persentage of Australian boys and girls attending 4 different sport activities after school 2010. summarise the data

The bar chart shows the persentage of Australian boys and girls attending 4 different sport activities after school 2010. summarise the data
#bar #persentage #australian #boys #girls #sport #activities #school #summarise #data
The chart compares the percentage of
Australians
Correct your spelling
Australian
show examples
 school pupils participating
swimming
Change preposition
in swimming
show examples
,
football
 netball and basketball activities later school in 2010.
Overall
, the
girls
 engaged more
swimming
Change preposition
in swimming
show examples
netball
Correct word choice
and netball
show examples
 than
boys
Correct article usage
the boys
show examples
.
However
, among the remaining sports,
boys
partaked
Correct your spelling
partake
partaken
football
Change preposition
in football
show examples
 at the highest rate. Regarding, the is
Add an article
the percent
show examples
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
boys
attended
Correct pronoun usage
who attended
show examples
 swimming,
this
 indicator
3
Add a missing verb
is 3
show examples
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 less than
girls
.
The most
Correct article usage
Most
show examples
 girl pupils participated
netball
Change preposition
in netball
show examples
 the highest point
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 18
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, the partaking of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
boys
this
Change preposition
in this
show examples
 sport the lowest point
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 3
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. In 2010
boys
 attended
many
Correct quantifier usage
more
show examples
 types of sport than
girls
 in the schools
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Australia. Turning
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, more pupils engaged
football
Change preposition
in football
show examples
 than
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
 types of sport in Australia. The
boys
Change to a genitive case
boy's
boys'
show examples
 index of engaging
football
 was 20
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and the 4
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
girls
 attended basketball almost similar mark 8 and 6
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 respectively.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
▼
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words football, girls, boys, percent with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: