IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people assert that the main cause of crime is an economically disadvantaged background. However, others say that crime is caused by a person's nature. Discuss both ideas and give your own opinion.

#people #crime #background #person #nature
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There have been growing concerns about ever-increasing
crimes
Use synonyms
 all over the world and innocent citizens are attacked by these
people
Use synonyms
. Some
people
Use synonyms
 may have claimed that poverty is the main cause of crime. I think
that is
Linking Words
 because
people
Use synonyms
 in undeveloped
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 are susceptible to
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 exposed to harsh
environment
Fix the agreement mistake
environments
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is true;
however
Linking Words
, I
also
Linking Words
 believe that
people
Use synonyms
 can commit
crimes
Use synonyms
 because of their selfish nature.
Firstly
Linking Words
, all individuals are eager to live happier than other
people
Use synonyms
 which might be able to contribute to committing
crimes
Use synonyms
 in the future. Most
people
Use synonyms
 have greedy
personality
Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
show examples
 because it is our nature to fill what we lack.
For example
Linking Words
, using SNS recently,
people
Use synonyms
 have seen other's luxurious
lives
Use synonyms
 including visiting fancy restaurants or buying expensive clothes. Undeniably, seeing that one side of
people
Use synonyms
's
lives
Use synonyms
 affects other
people
Use synonyms
 not to be content with their
lives
Use synonyms
. What I am concerned about is that
this
Linking Words
 will lead to pishing
crimes
Use synonyms
 or hacking
crimes
Use synonyms
 to deprive them of happy
lives
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe
crimes
Use synonyms
 seem to arise regardless of undeveloped places and poverty.
However
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who absence of having education or appropriate guardians in disadvantaged areas are more likely to commit
crimes
Use synonyms
 rather than
people
Use synonyms
 living in developed countries. In undeveloped countries, there are lack of schools and high educators that direct
people
Use synonyms
 to the right path. I understand their circumstances,
however
Linking Words
 as children are immature, so if they cannot be taught about the effects of serious
crimes
Use synonyms
, they will potentially break the law which will be detrimental to society in the future.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in some areas,
people
Use synonyms
 are encouraged to commit
crimes
Use synonyms
 for survival.
For instance
Linking Words
, in poor regions, individuals who have been struggling with hunger tried to gain food by stealing from stores because that was the only way to maintain their
lives
Use synonyms
. For these reasons, I believe that it is crucial for economically disadvantaged citizens
cannot help but committing
Verb problem
to commit
show examples
crimes
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, as compared above,
crimes
Use synonyms
 can happen irrespective of age, nation, and the status of the economy.
However
Linking Words
, as a person who puts more value on
people
Use synonyms
's circumstances, I believe harsh environments can make
people
Use synonyms
 commit
crimes
Use synonyms
. I suppose we should develop programs for those reasons to assist them in escaping devastated societies.
Submitted by kchengii on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
In your essay, you have made a clear effort to address both sides of the argument. However, to achieve a higher score, ensure that all your points are thoroughly explained and supported with specific details or examples. For instance, clarify how selfish nature might directly lead to crimes and give specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The linking phrases you used, such as 'Firstly,' 'Therefore,' and 'To sum up,' show a good overall structure. To improve, ensure each paragraph logically follows the previous one. More seamless transitions between ideas will enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, which is great. Ensure that your conclusion aligns well with the body paragraphs and succinctly summarises your main points without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
Make sure each of your main points is fully supported. For example, when discussing the impact of social media, provide a more concrete explanation or an example showing how it might lead to crime.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and a balanced approach by discussing both views before giving your opinion.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame your arguments and provide a complete response.
task achievement
Your attempt to provide relevant specific examples, such as through the mention of social media and stealing for survival, adds depth to your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • economically disadvantaged
  • necessities
  • societal factors
  • external circumstances
  • criminal activities
  • intrinsic characteristics
  • personality traits
  • moral beliefs
  • psychological conditions
  • predisposed
  • personal choice
  • responsibility
  • profound impact
  • circumstances
  • attributes
  • behavior
What to do next:
Look at other essays: