IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people assert that the main cause of crime is an economically disadvantaged background. However, others say that crime is caused by a person's nature. Discuss both ideas and give your own opinion.

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There have been growing concerns about ever-increasing
crimes
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 all over the world and innocent citizens are attacked by these
people
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. Some
people
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 may have claimed that poverty is the main cause of crime. I think
that is
Linking Words
 because
people
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 in undeveloped
country
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countries
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 are susceptible to
be
Wrong verb form
being
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 exposed to harsh
environment
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environments
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.
This
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 is true;
however
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, I
also
Linking Words
 believe that
people
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 can commit
crimes
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 because of their selfish nature.
Firstly
Linking Words
, all individuals are eager to live happier than other
people
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 which might be able to contribute to committing
crimes
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 in the future. Most
people
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 have greedy
personality
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personalities
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 because it is our nature to fill what we lack.
For example
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, using SNS recently,
people
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 have seen other's luxurious
lives
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 including visiting fancy restaurants or buying expensive clothes. Undeniably, seeing that one side of
people
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's
lives
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 affects other
people
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 not to be content with their
lives
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. What I am concerned about is that
this
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 will lead to pishing
crimes
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 or hacking
crimes
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 to deprive them of happy
lives
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.
Therefore
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, I believe
crimes
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 seem to arise regardless of undeveloped places and poverty.
However
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,
people
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 who absence of having education or appropriate guardians in disadvantaged areas are more likely to commit
crimes
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 rather than
people
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 living in developed countries. In undeveloped countries, there are lack of schools and high educators that direct
people
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 to the right path. I understand their circumstances,
however
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 as children are immature, so if they cannot be taught about the effects of serious
crimes
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, they will potentially break the law which will be detrimental to society in the future.
Moreover
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, in some areas,
people
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 are encouraged to commit
crimes
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 for survival.
For instance
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, in poor regions, individuals who have been struggling with hunger tried to gain food by stealing from stores because that was the only way to maintain their
lives
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. For these reasons, I believe that it is crucial for economically disadvantaged citizens
cannot help but committing
Verb problem
to commit
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crimes
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.
To sum up
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, as compared above,
crimes
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 can happen irrespective of age, nation, and the status of the economy.
However
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, as a person who puts more value on
people
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's circumstances, I believe harsh environments can make
people
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 commit
crimes
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. I suppose we should develop programs for those reasons to assist them in escaping devastated societies.

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task achievement
In your essay, you have made a clear effort to address both sides of the argument. However, to achieve a higher score, ensure that all your points are thoroughly explained and supported with specific details or examples. For instance, clarify how selfish nature might directly lead to crimes and give specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The linking phrases you used, such as 'Firstly,' 'Therefore,' and 'To sum up,' show a good overall structure. To improve, ensure each paragraph logically follows the previous one. More seamless transitions between ideas will enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, which is great. Ensure that your conclusion aligns well with the body paragraphs and succinctly summarises your main points without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
Make sure each of your main points is fully supported. For example, when discussing the impact of social media, provide a more concrete explanation or an example showing how it might lead to crime.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and a balanced approach by discussing both views before giving your opinion.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame your arguments and provide a complete response.
task achievement
Your attempt to provide relevant specific examples, such as through the mention of social media and stealing for survival, adds depth to your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • economically disadvantaged
  • necessities
  • societal factors
  • external circumstances
  • criminal activities
  • intrinsic characteristics
  • personality traits
  • moral beliefs
  • psychological conditions
  • predisposed
  • personal choice
  • responsibility
  • profound impact
  • circumstances
  • attributes
  • behavior
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