Some people assert that the main cause of crime is an economically disadvantaged background. However, others say that crime is caused by a person's nature. Discuss both ideas and give your own opinion.
There have been growing concerns about ever-increasing
crimes
all over the world and innocent citizens are attacked by these people
. Some people
may have claimed that poverty is the main cause of crime. I think that is
because people
in undeveloped country
are susceptible to Fix the agreement mistake
countries
be
exposed to harsh Wrong verb form
being
environment
. Fix the agreement mistake
environments
This
is true; however
, I also
believe that people
can commit crimes
because of their selfish nature.
Firstly
, all individuals are eager to live happier than other people
which might be able to contribute to committing crimes
in the future. Most people
have greedy personality
because it is our nature to fill what we lack. Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
For example
, using SNS recently, people
have seen other's luxurious lives
including visiting fancy restaurants or buying expensive clothes. Undeniably, seeing that one side of people
's lives
affects other people
not to be content with their lives
. What I am concerned about is that this
will lead to pishing crimes
or hacking crimes
to deprive them of happy lives
. Therefore
, I believe crimes
seem to arise regardless of undeveloped places and poverty.
However
, people
who absence of having education or appropriate guardians in disadvantaged areas are more likely to commit crimes
rather than people
living in developed countries. In undeveloped countries, there are lack of schools and high educators that direct people
to the right path. I understand their circumstances, however
as children are immature, so if they cannot be taught about the effects of serious crimes
, they will potentially break the law which will be detrimental to society in the future. Moreover
, in some areas, people
are encouraged to commit crimes
for survival. For instance
, in poor regions, individuals who have been struggling with hunger tried to gain food by stealing from stores because that was the only way to maintain their lives
. For these reasons, I believe that it is crucial for economically disadvantaged citizens cannot help but committing
Verb problem
to commit
crimes
.
To sum up
, as compared above, crimes
can happen irrespective of age, nation, and the status of the economy. However
, as a person who puts more value on people
's circumstances, I believe harsh environments can make people
commit crimes
. I suppose we should develop programs for those reasons to assist them in escaping devastated societies.Submitted by kchengii on
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task achievement
In your essay, you have made a clear effort to address both sides of the argument. However, to achieve a higher score, ensure that all your points are thoroughly explained and supported with specific details or examples. For instance, clarify how selfish nature might directly lead to crimes and give specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The linking phrases you used, such as 'Firstly,' 'Therefore,' and 'To sum up,' show a good overall structure. To improve, ensure each paragraph logically follows the previous one. More seamless transitions between ideas will enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, which is great. Ensure that your conclusion aligns well with the body paragraphs and succinctly summarises your main points without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
Make sure each of your main points is fully supported. For example, when discussing the impact of social media, provide a more concrete explanation or an example showing how it might lead to crime.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and a balanced approach by discussing both views before giving your opinion.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame your arguments and provide a complete response.
task achievement
Your attempt to provide relevant specific examples, such as through the mention of social media and stealing for survival, adds depth to your essay.
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