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Band 5

Around the world, people are now living longer than ever before in the past. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#world #people #population
There is a discussion that, nowadays,
people
 are living longer rather than before. Some problems appear from those phenomena.
This
 essay will explore both the advantages and disadvantages of these issues. On the one hand, one of the advantages of an ageing population is the wealth of experience and basic knowledge that older
people
 can bring to society. All of them possess valuable skills and experiences that accumulated over their lifeways which can
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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assist young
people
for
Change preposition
in
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 their future.
Furthermore
, older
people
 can contribute to communities in various ways,
such
 as providing mentorship and guidance for younger generations.
For example
, ageing
people
 can assist young
people
 when they face some problems that
seems
Change the verb form
seem
show examples
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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impossible to solve.
This
 is because they have wisdom over experiences in their past.
On the other hand
,
this
 phenomenon comes with drawbacks and challenges. They can be a burden on the government budget. The reason is, that they still have a right to get health insurance but they
do
Verb problem
are
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 not productive anymore for their country.
In addition
, the government must charge more to the younger communities in productive age to support the older generations by paying
the
Correct article usage
apply
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higher taxes.
This
 challenge will affect the economy of the nation massively if the government do not take any action seriously. In conclusion,
while
 there are benefits of
an
Correct article usage
apply
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ageing
people
 in terms of experiences, the drawbacks related to healthcare budget and economic
affects
Replace the word
effects
show examples
 cannot be ignored. I personally believe that the disadvantages will dominate the benefits.
Submitted by raymond.sebastianvl on

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task achievement
To achieve a higher score, refine the introduction by clearly stating your position. This will improve the clarity of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the essay’s coherence by ensuring seamless transitions between ideas and paragraphs. This can be done by using more connectors and linking words.
coherence cohesion
Improve some sentences for better clarity. For example, "they do not productive anymore" should be "they are no longer productive" for better readability.
task achievement
Use more specific examples and deep analyses to support your points. This will strengthen your arguments and demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses both advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population, showcasing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The essay structure is logical, with clear paragraphs dedicated to different points.
task achievement
The conclusion effectively summarizes the discussion and presents a personal viewpoint.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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