IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Read the question below and write on the given topic. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. You should write at least 250 words. What's the right age for parents to get their kids a cell phone? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#topic #minutes #right #age #parents #kids #cell #phone
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The Right Moment of
Cell
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 Phone for
Children
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 The incredible link between
children
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 and
cell
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phones
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parents
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 should be aware
.
Change preposition
of.
show examples
 Many
parents
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 are reluctant over the right age to allow their pupils to own
cell
Use synonyms
phones
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. some of them consider
children
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 should be entitled to an electronic device early but others delay
this
Linking Words
 risky responsibility because of the vulnerability of their kids. In my opinion, people should give
cell
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phones
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 to their
children
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 when they are
teenagers
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 because they can develop their creativity, it is good for their safety, and be in touch with their friends. one major cause of giving portable
phones
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 to
teenagers
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 is that they can develop their creativity. with the Internet, pupils have the opportunity to learn from new technologies
such
Linking Words
 as creative games, chapt Gpt.
moreover
Linking Words
, being regularly in contact with smartphones,
children
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 become familiar with electronic devices, and these good habits can arouse their appetites for computers. Another reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 allowing
teenagers
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 to use
phones
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 resides in the safety of pupils.
children
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 with
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
, are most of the time in touch with their
parents
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. they can call not only their relatives in case of an issue but
also
Linking Words
 the police by just tapping the three numbers.
phones
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 represent a good instrument for
parents
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 to be aware of the situation of their babies.
Finally
Linking Words
, Appliances play a good role in helping
children
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 to maintain their
friendship
Fix the agreement mistake
friendships
show examples
.
while
Linking Words
 at home,
children
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 do not need to be always outside to discuss with their peers. with the advent of social media,
teenagers
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 can enjoy
remotely
Correct pronoun usage
themselves remotely
show examples
 and
this
Linking Words
allow
Change the verb form
allows
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents
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 to have more control
on
Change preposition
over
show examples
 them. We can see that the best moment to offer smartphones to
children
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 is the
teenager
Replace the word
teenage
show examples
 stage because
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can use them
propely
Correct your spelling
properly
.
Submitted by ibamba88 on

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task achievement
Your essay has addressed the task effectively but could benefit from more specific examples to strengthen your argument. Try to include a personal anecdote or a concrete example to illustrate your points.
general grammar
There are occasional grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that disrupt the flow of your essay. Review your work for consistency in capitalization, punctuation, and verb tense use.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is clear but could be more engaging. Furthermore, the conclusion lacks impact and should summarize the key points more effectively. Make sure each paragraph flows logically to the next, ensuring coherence.
task achievement
You effectively discussed the potential benefits of providing cell phones to teenagers, including creativity development, safety, and maintaining friendships.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured, with each paragraph addressing a separate reason for your argument. This helps in maintaining clarity and focus.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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