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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that is why they have a greater role in raising children. Others claim that men are just as good as women in parenting. Discuss both these views and give your opinion?

#people #women #parents #men #role #children
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It is argued that females are better
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 parenting as compared to
men
Use synonyms
 and
that is
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 why they have a major
rule
Correct your spelling
role
show examples
 in child upbringing.
While
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 other people believe that
both
Use synonyms
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 are equal in parenting. In my point of view,
women
Use synonyms
 win in
this
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arguement
Correct your spelling
argument
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will describe
both
Use synonyms
 views in detail.
To begin
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 with, the
reaso
Correct your spelling
reason
 why people think that
women
Use synonyms
 are better
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
upbringing
Add an article
the upbringing
show examples
 of
children
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 than
men
Use synonyms
 is that
women
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 spend more time at home
while
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men
Use synonyms
 are busy at work making money for the family.
Furthermore
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,
Children
Use synonyms
 spend most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 time with their mothers because they need
her
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 for their everyday tasks completion.
In addition
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 to that,
women
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 are good
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 dealing emotional matters of their
children
Use synonyms
.
As a consequence
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,
children
Use synonyms
 feel safer to share their feelings with their mother and follow her habits mostly.
For instance
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,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 survey performed by
psychology
Correct article usage
a psychology
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 student in Rahim Yar Khan
city
Capitalize word
City
show examples
of
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apply
show examples
Pakistan proved that
children
Use synonyms
 who are living without their mothers are mostly depressed and
following
Wrong verb form
follow
show examples
 bad habits because there is no one to
lookafter
Correct your spelling
look after
 them 24/7.
On the other hand
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, some people think that
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 are just like
women
Use synonyms
 when it comes to good parenting. One of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 behind
this
Linking Words
 perception is that males earn for the family and try their best to give their
children
Use synonyms
 a better future.
Moreover
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, they bear the hardships of society and guard their
children
Use synonyms
 from any kind of
harms
Fix the agreement mistake
harm
show examples
 which cannot be done by
weak
Correct article usage
the weak
show examples
 nature of
women
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.
Consequently
Linking Words
, when it comes to earning and family safety,
men
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 are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
provider
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providers
show examples
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
women
Use synonyms
.
However
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,
men
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 lack in terms of
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
giving emotional support to their
children
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 but
still
Add a comma
still,
show examples
 they are as important as
women
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 parenting.
For instance
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, research shows that
children
Use synonyms
 who have lived their life without a father have
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of confidence and are introverts. To draw
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 conclusion, I believe that
although
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women
Use synonyms
 are better parents than
men
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but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
both
Use synonyms
 cannot replace
eachother's
Correct your spelling
each other's
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
show examples
.
In addition
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,
both
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 parents are necessary for
healthy
Add an article
the healthy
show examples
 upbringing of a child and to make a balanced life together.
Submitted by zanu.ch666 on

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grammar
Ensure to proofread your essay for spelling mistakes and grammatical errors to enhance clarity.
depth
Develop your arguments more thoroughly and provide more detailed examples to support your points.
structure
Provide a clearer distinction between the introduction, main points, and conclusion to enhance the logical structure.
content
You addressed both viewpoints and provided your opinion.
organization
The essay was well-organized and covered the main points of the topic.
language
Your language and vocabulary were adequate to communicate your ideas effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • nurturing
  • emotionally connected
  • child-rearing
  • bond
  • societal norms
  • gender roles
  • active role
  • competent
  • approaches
  • development
  • shared responsibilities
  • involvement
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