IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
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There is a controversial perspective heating up a debate over the fact that making a reduction in the amount of
pollution
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 from
environment
Replace the word
environmental
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 and housing
problems
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 may prevent
humans’
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humans
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 beings from illness and disease.
This
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 essay is devoted to discussing why it is entirely necessary for the ministry to concentrate on
this
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 action. On the one hand, environmental
problems
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 have become the major cause behind some serious
health
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 issues
of
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for
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 humans.
To begin
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 with, environmental pollutants can cause
health
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problems
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 like respiratory diseases, heart disease, and some types of cancer.
For example
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, people with low incomes are more likely to live in polluted
areas
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 and have unsafe drinking water. There are lots of factories producing a huge amount of garbage which enters the water sources like rivers and lakes, thereby causing dangerous diseases to residents in these
areas
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 who use the water of the rivers and lakes on a daily basis. Specifically, children and pregnant women are at higher risk of
health
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problems
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 related to
pollution
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.
Therefore
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, important laws and policies, like imposing heavy fines to certain locations discharging pollutants, should be put forward to reduce different types of
pollution
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, which can
also
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 help prevent many serious
health
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problems
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 and deaths.
While
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 some
health
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 issues related to
environment
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environmental
show examples
pollution
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 are widely acknowledged, it is
also
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 necessary for the government to take into consideration housing
problems
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 which can have
detrimental
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a detrimental
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 impact
to
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on
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 people’s
health
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. Living in unsafe and unsuitable housing conditions, people may be at risk of exposure to a number of potential
health
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 hazards.
For example
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, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 a wealth of slum
areas
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 in Saigon, which are often small, cramped, and lack the necessary amenities and infrastructure to meet the needs of residents.
As a result
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, individuals living in these
areas
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 may face some
health
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problems
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 regarding respiratory, nervous system, and cardiovascular diseases. So, if the government looks into
this
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 issue and provides amenities,
necessities
Correct word choice
and necessities
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,
such
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problems
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 can be avoided to a great extent. In conclusion, I have a consensus with
this
Linking Words
 idea that it is the responsibility of the government to focus on environmental
pollution
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 and housing
problems
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, which can prevent
humans’
Change noun form
humans
show examples
 beings from illness and disease.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states the topic and your stance, which is excellent. However, it could be more concise. For example, the phrase 'prevent humans’ beings from illness and disease' can be simplified to 'prevent illness and disease'.
coherence cohesion
While your paragraphs are well-organized, there are a few clarity issues. For instance, the phrase 'responsibility of the government to focus on environmental pollution and housing problems' could be rephrased for better clarity to 'responsibility of the government to address environmental pollution and housing problems'.
task achievement
Ensure every point you make is directly tied back to the topic. For example, instead of just stating 'people may be at risk of exposure to a number of potential health hazards', explicitly connect it back to the idea of the government’s role in alleviating these risks.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong conclusion that effectively reinforces your argument.
logical structure
The essay is structured logically with clear, distinct paragraphs for different points.
relevant specific examples
You provided specific example of slum areas in Saigon which adds relevance to your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
What to do next:
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