Task 2: Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a controversial perspective heating up a debate over the fact that making a reduction in the amount of
pollution
from environment
and housing Replace the word
environmental
problems
may prevent humans’
beings from illness and disease. Change noun form
humans
This
essay is devoted to discussing why it is entirely necessary for the ministry to concentrate on this
action.
On the one hand, environmental problems
have become the major cause behind some serious health
issues of
humans. Change preposition
for
To begin
with, environmental pollutants can cause health
problems
like respiratory diseases, heart disease, and some types of cancer. For example
, people with low incomes are more likely to live in polluted areas
and have unsafe drinking water. There are lots of factories producing a huge amount of garbage which enters the water sources like rivers and lakes, thereby causing dangerous diseases to residents in these areas
who use the water of the rivers and lakes on a daily basis. Specifically, children and pregnant women are at higher risk of health
problems
related to pollution
. Therefore
, important laws and policies, like imposing heavy fines to certain locations discharging pollutants, should be put forward to reduce different types of pollution
, which can also
help prevent many serious health
problems
and deaths.
While
some health
issues related to environment
Replace the word
environmental
pollution
are widely acknowledged, it is also
necessary for the government to take into consideration housing problems
which can have detrimental
impact Add an article
a detrimental
to
people’s Change preposition
on
health
. Living in unsafe and unsuitable housing conditions, people may be at risk of exposure to a number of potential health
hazards. For example
, there are
a wealth of slum Correct subject-verb agreement
is
areas
in Saigon, which are often small, cramped, and lack the necessary amenities and infrastructure to meet the needs of residents. As a result
, individuals living in these areas
may face some health
problems
regarding respiratory, nervous system, and cardiovascular diseases. So, if the government looks into this
issue and provides amenities, necessities
, Correct word choice
and necessities
such
problems
can be avoided to a great extent.
In conclusion, I have a consensus with this
idea that it is the responsibility of the government to focus on environmental pollution
and housing problems
, which can prevent humans’
beings from illness and disease.Change noun form
humans
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on
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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states the topic and your stance, which is excellent. However, it could be more concise. For example, the phrase 'prevent humans’ beings from illness and disease' can be simplified to 'prevent illness and disease'.
coherence cohesion
While your paragraphs are well-organized, there are a few clarity issues. For instance, the phrase 'responsibility of the government to focus on environmental pollution and housing problems' could be rephrased for better clarity to 'responsibility of the government to address environmental pollution and housing problems'.
task achievement
Ensure every point you make is directly tied back to the topic. For example, instead of just stating 'people may be at risk of exposure to a number of potential health hazards', explicitly connect it back to the idea of the government’s role in alleviating these risks.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong conclusion that effectively reinforces your argument.
logical structure
The essay is structured logically with clear, distinct paragraphs for different points.
relevant specific examples
You provided specific example of slum areas in Saigon which adds relevance to your argument.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?