IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

QUESTION : IN SOME PLACES, OLD AGE IS VALUED, WHILE IN OTHER CULTURES YOUTH IS considered MORE important.Discussion both views and give your opinion.

#places #age #cultures #youth #discussion
Respecting the
senior
Fix the agreement mistake
seniors
show examples
 is a traditional virtue in many countries, meanwhile, paying more attention to the youth is a growing trend in today's world. In my opinion, equal respect, love and care should be given to both the old and the young generations. There is an old Chinese saying, "The elder is the treasure in a family."
That is
 because in a family, parents and grandparents are the supporters, they shoulder the responsibilities of financial incomes, household chores, and raising up their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
. A family is just a miniature of the society. The predecessors from all walks of life paved the way for nowadays advanced development with their profound knowledge and rich experience, to some extent, not a single success is without learning lessons from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old age
nor basing
Wrong verb form
based
show examples
 on their achievements.
Therefore
, old people should be valued undoubtedly.
On the other hand
, the young generation is the future of the world
thus
Correct word choice
and thus
show examples
 cannot be ignored. It is unfortunate that in the midst of vast progress in every field of today's life, there are still adolescent problems
such
 as
alarming
Correct article usage
the alarming
show examples
 illiteracy rate, juvenile delinquency and youth unemployment.
A great deal of
Change the quantifier
A lot of
Many
Plenty of
show examples
such
 issues originated from lack of family and societal attention,
in addition
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the temptation from today's ubiquitous mass media, video games and internet influences, young people would easily go astray if they are not educated or guided properly at the right time,
thus
casusing
Correct your spelling
causing
 detrimental impacts on
scietal
Correct your spelling
societal
 development. To
conlude
Correct your spelling
conclude
, it is
signifant
Correct your spelling
significant
 to form a concept of valuing the senior
as well as
 the junior for the sustainable development of a harmonious society.
Submitted by carriexue23 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Introduce a few more specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention particular societal contributions of the elderly or specific problems faced by today's youth.
task achievement
To make the essay more comprehensive, consider discussing the interconnectedness of both groups' roles in society in more depth.
coherence cohesion
Work on making transitions between ideas smoother to enhance the overall logical flow. For example, using linking words like 'Thus,' 'Furthermore,' or 'In addition,' can help.
general language
A few spelling and grammatical errors need correction such as 'upraising' should be 'raising,' 'casusing' should be 'causing,' and 'scietal' should be 'societal.'
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is strong, but it can be more impactful by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, respecting the elderly and the attention to youth, which makes it balanced.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are clear, setting a strong framework for the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • wisdom
  • experience
  • tradition
  • history
  • innovation
  • energy
  • perspectives
  • progress
  • modernization
  • economic growth
  • healthcare
  • retirement costs
  • balancing strengths
  • creativity
  • essential support
What to do next:
Look at other essays: