IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Due to the increase in population in big cities, more and more people are living in small houses with very little or no outdoor space. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, people prefer to live in some accommodations which are apartments with no yard, which might be the result of the growing in numbers of population.
Although
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 it has some benefits, I believe that the downsides would cancel out the positive points. On the one hand, settling in small houses might be beneficial for the city. When families choose to accommodate
in
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these houses, less land will be used in the construction system. To put it differently, it would be efficient land use by
this
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 trend in the city.
For instance
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, constructors are able to build high multi-story towers with numerous tiny homes and it is possible to utilize the rest of the ground to construct playgrounds and other facilities.
On the other hand
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, the drawbacks of
this
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 trend are by no means negligible.
To begin
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 with, if people have limited access to outdoor space, it would probably have some detrimental effects on their physical and mental health.
In other words
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, individuals captured in a limited zone might feel depressed after a
while
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 and do less regular exercise. Take obesity in children as an obvious illustration, in big cities children reside in a house with no access to outdoor areas;
due to
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this
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 they usually spend their time playing computer games and consuming unhealthy snacks during the games.
Therefore
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, we observe kids who are overweight in the societies.
To sum up
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, I take the view that
however
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, less land would be used by building small houses; but the side effects on a person 's health cannot be ignored.

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task achievement
While the essay is generally well-structured, the introduction could clearly state your position more explicitly, and the conclusion could summarize the main points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Ensure you stay on topic throughout your paragraphs to maintain coherence. For instance, mentioning the potential for playgrounds and other facilities in the first body paragraph could be more connected to the main point being argued.
coherence cohesion
On the other hand, trying to more uniformly tie back examples to the main argument can improve your cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You've provided relevant examples, such as the illustration regarding children's obesity. This strengthens your points and helps the reader understand your argument.
task achievement
You have a clear viewpoint and have provided a balanced discussion of both positive and negative aspects.
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