In many countries the proportion of older people is increasing. Could this have more Postive or negative effects on society?
In many states, the proportion of senior
citizens
is increasing. Thus
, this
can lead to many advantageous and disadvantageous sides. In my opinion, having a significantly older population
will have negative effects sometime in the future.
One serious problem
that can arise from the rising population
of older people is that the birth rates may fall, as many women nowadays are refusing to get married and have children, instead
wishing to pursue their careers. This
is a serious problem
in Asian countries, such
as South Korea, as women who were pressured to start a family are retaliating against the common typecasts. Hence
, the senior population
is broadening, and women are refusing to reproduce the new generation. This
can have a negative outcome for
the childbirth rates.
Another issue that isn’t talked about enough is probably the shortage of qualified workers in agencies. Since companies are keener on hiring younger people for jobs that require physical attractiveness and a fitness lifestyle, Change preposition
on
the
older people are put into retirement stipends. Correct article usage
apply
That is
why senior citizens
are having a hard time finding jobs in cities,
because they just don’t fit the criteria or standards that companies seem to have nowadays. Remove the comma
apply
For example
, Japanese cities such
as Osaka and Tokyo hold the highest record of having the oldest growing population
, and no one seems to have a problem
with the older citizens
in offices.
In conclusion, although
having an older population
can be tiring to have in workplaces, firing them shouldn’t be the only solution to this
problem
. We should take the example of Eastern Asian countries and treat our senior citizens
with love and care.Submitted by checkmyessay9 on
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task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion and addresses the topic, but it could benefit from more thorough development of ideas. Consider providing more detailed explanations and examples to support each point.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a logical structure, the connections between ideas could be strengthened. Using more transition words and phrases will help create a smoother flow between paragraphs and ideas.
task achievement
Avoid using casual language such as 'having a hard time.' Instead, use more formal expressions like 'facing challenges.' This will make your writing more suitable for an academic setting.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses one main idea, and avoid bringing in new points or tangents that might distract from the main argument. This will help maintain coherence and cohesion throughout the essay.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states the topic and your opinion, which sets a clear direction for the essay.
task achievement
Examples provided, such as those from South Korea and Japan, help illustrate the points made and show the problem from a real-world perspective.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion mentions a possible solution, which shows consideration of how to address the issue discussed.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and the potential issues related to an increasing proportion of older people in society.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?