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Band 5.5

Describe your Study and work background and why are you interested in studying in this university?

#study #work #background #university
I worked as a part-time internal manager in a beauty
clinic
 from 2017 to 2019. Since
then
, immediately after my graduation, I have worked as the full-time internal manager of the
clinic
. I have participated in various management seminars to improve service quality and optimize the
clinic
's progress during these years.
In particular
, I am keenly interested in fostering innovation and creativity in the beauty field and social communication, so I have used
this
 interest to make a difference in my management style. More important than benefitting from the feeling of satisfaction that I have in myself by doing my
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work
, seeing the feeling of satisfaction both in employees and customers is a genuine, indescribable pleasure for me. All these matters require sufficient knowledge to create a distinctive and creative environment and
also
 to support a successful workforce, leading to a safe and quality
work
 environment. Throughout my
work
 at the
clinic
, I have put a lot of effort into achieving its short-term goals, and
finally
, the earned relative success has encouraged me to apply for the MA in Leadership program.
As a result
 of the diligent commitment and constant efforts I have depicted at
work
, the managing board offered to resume and even pursue new tasks in my
work
 after graduation.
Submitted by qazaalameri on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to improve logical cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Develop a more explicit introduction and conclusion to frame your essay.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and details to thoroughly support your main points.
task achievement
Try to engage more deeply with why you are specifically interested in the university you mention.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, and the essay is structured logically.
task achievement
You provide specific examples to support your points, making your arguments stronger.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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