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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people feel that playing computer games has a nagative impact on children's health and social skills. Others say that it can have a positive impact on their lives. Discuss both these views.

The advancement in technology has created an evolution in the field of computers and the invention of
computer
Use synonyms
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
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 is a by-product of
this
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 process.
Although
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 some people believe that
computer
Use synonyms
 game affects the development of a child others are of the opinion that it benefits
children
Use synonyms
 in future.
This
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 essay will discuss these two arguments in detail. Playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 adverse effects
among
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 especially affecting their physical
as well as
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 mental health.
Moreover
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, too much focus on
computer
Use synonyms
games
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 can deteriorate their social
skills
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 because of
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
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 interactions with other individuals.
For example
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, a recent study in Australia says that young boys and girls who
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 more than four hours
of
Change preposition
apply
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a day on
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are introverts
due to
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 less communication.
Therefore
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, it is conspicuous that these types of
games
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 have
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 influence during the growing phase of a child.
On the contrary
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, playing
games
Use synonyms
 on the
computer
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 enhances the intelligence and analytical capabilities of
children
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.
This
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 is because
children
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 tend to apply the whole concentration
while
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 playing
games
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 which improves their analytical thinking that will ultimately be helpful in their future careers.
For example
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,
games
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 like Sudoku and Chess Master are wholly dependent on intellectual
skills
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 and the presence of mind; even child counsellors suggest playing these
games
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.
Therefore
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, it is an undeniable fact that
games
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 available on computers or mobiles are beneficial to
develop
Wrong verb form
developing
show examples
skills
Use synonyms
 required in future. In conclusion,
computer
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games
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 now form an integral part of today’s
children
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.
This
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 essay discussed that even though
computer
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games
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 play a significant role in the development of intellectual
skills
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, increased usage can harm
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
overall
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 growth.

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task achievement
Your essay delivers a comprehensive response to the prompt, addressing both perspectives on the topic. However, try to provide a more balanced number of examples and evidence for each viewpoint to strengthen your argument even further.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to improve the logical flow and make your points more distinct. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
grammar vocabulary
Review proper punctuation and singular/plural forms in your essay. For instance, the use of 'game' versus 'games' needs to be consistent depending on the context.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized and includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which are present and appropriately structured.
coherence cohesion
The introduction provides a good overview of the topic and engages the reader by presenting the two contrasting viewpoints.
task achievement
You have used relevant examples to support your points, making your argument more compelling and credible.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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