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Writing Samples
Band 4

the birth rate in most developed countries is predicted to begin to fall over the next 50 years. By 2030 it is estimated that over one third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over. What effects will these predictions have on developed countries if they prove true? what can be done now to deal with this situation?

#birth #rate #countries #fall #years #third #population #effects #predictions #situation
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The projected decline
childbirth
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in childbirth
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 and
increase
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the increase
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 in the older population in
the
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apply
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advanced countries will have deep socioeconomic consequences. If these forecasts are confirmed, the
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labour power
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labour-power
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 will shrink, leading to lower economic growth. A smaller working class could lead to
labour
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 shortages, productivity and innovation.
In addition
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, there will be increasing pressure on pension and
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health
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healthcare
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care
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 systems as a larger part of the population will be relying on
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health
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the health
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 industry. A number of actions can be taken to address these challenges. First of all, stimulating higher
of
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apply
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birth rates through family policies,
such
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 as paid parental leave, child
care
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 and housing support, can help. Investing in healthcare infrastructure and promoting healthy
aging
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ageing
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are
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is
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also
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 crucial.
For example
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, in South Korea government gives mothers special treatment after birth to minimize the difficulties. Immigration can
also
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 play a crucial role in replenishing the
labour
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 force.
Thus
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, policies that attract and integrate immigrants are important.
Moreover
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, raising the pension age and a focus on promoting learning, can help older persons stay in the
labour
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 market longer. Investing in
health
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care
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 to manage chronic illnesses common among, older people can reduce
health
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care
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 bills over time. Technology should be used to maintain productivity despite a lower
labour
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 force. In conclusion, after analyzing the topic, if the government targets family support and healthcare, the goals will be achieved in the near future. Immigration policy should target promising youth and only
then
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 can society focus on solving other problems.
Submitted by vladislavikonnikov112 on

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task achievement
It is essential to expand on the points made and provide more detailed explanations and examples to better support your arguments. For instance, mentioning specific countries or studies would strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly from one to the next. Using transitional phrases and clear topic sentences can greatly enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay.
general language
Review grammar and sentence structure. There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that could be improved for clarity and readability.
task achievement
Your essay touches on important and relevant points, such as the impact on the labor force and healthcare system. This shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a good structure to your essay.
task achievement
Providing examples like the policy in South Korea adds value to your essay, demonstrating a practical understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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