IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

some people think that children should be encouraged to play outdoor games that require physical activities instead of playing computer games at home. Do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 decade, encouraging offspring to do physical actions like outdoor matches in place of playing games on the computers at home is a controversial discussion point. It is the writer's opinion that taking up outdoor enterprise plays a fundamental role in influencing both the mental and the offspring's health. It must be acknowledged that the best way to maintain healthy health is doing exercise and take up some sports or active recreations.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that the outside atmosphere gives offspring more fresh air addition to the sun shining, it is a huge chance for the kids' bones to develop effectively.
Furthermore
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, the age from 8 to 16 is the most suitable opportunity for offspring to improve both their height and weight,
thus
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, playing outdoor movement helps them to keep fit perfectly and become healthy
instead
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 of sitting in front of the computers for long hours which can cause prediction and eyes problems. Taking swimming as a relevant example, when the kids swim, all of their body's parts will work and
also
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 the fat layers are reduced significantly,
therefore
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, obesity in offspring will be eliminated suitably. Turning to another notable discussion point is that playing outside activities improves children's social skills.
This
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 is a result of the fact that when offspring approach these outside activities regularly, they will know exactly what to do to tackle the problems.
For instance
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, some offspring playing the activities
such
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 as parkour, swimming or climbing, will easier to rescue themself whenever they get into trouble. These are the basic skills for offspring to protect them , not some computer games bring no benefit to the children.
To sum up
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, the kids should be advised to take part in some recreation
instead
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 of spending time on computer apps at home in order to improve their health and teach them social skills in unexpected situations.

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clarity
While you cover the key points of the topic, ensuring that children play outdoor activities for better health and social skills, some of your ideas are not presented as clearly as they could be. Carefully organize your points to make them more comprehensible.
grammar
Sometimes the sentences seem slightly awkward due to grammatical errors or unusual phrasing. Pay attention to natural phrasing and sentence structure to improve clarity.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion are present and serve their purpose well. The body paragraphs, however, could benefit from a clearer and more logical structure.
cohesion
Try to ensure smoother transitions between your points. This will help improve the flow of your writing.
task response
The essay includes a comprehensive response to the topic, covering both the physical health benefits and social advantages of outdoor activities.
cohesion
The use of specific examples, like swimming, to illustrate the benefits of outdoor activities effectively supports your arguments.
accuracy
You correctly identify and emphasize the importance of outdoor activities over computer games for overall child development.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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