IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Scientist agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Presently, because of tedious and exhausting work or study, some
people
Use synonyms
 tend to overeat junk
food
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instead
Linking Words
 of cooking healthy homemade dishes.
This
Linking Words
 eating habit over a long period leads to some health problems,
such
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 as heart-related
diseaes
Correct your spelling
diseases
disease
, increased blood pressure,... Some believe
education
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 is the main factor that can help
people
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 prefer eating healthy meals to eating fast
food
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. Others think that there are some factors that can make
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not eat snacks, except
education
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay will illustrate both views and give my own opinion. On one side of
this
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 argument,
education
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 has a big impact on
this
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 issue. As we know, in
fact
Add the comma(s)
fact,
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 the citizens often select
food
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 based on their taste, not the ingredients that are being put in them, so,
this
Linking Words
 habit can destroy the balance of the human body.
However
Linking Words
, if society
have
Change the verb form
has
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 widened
knowledge
Correct pronoun usage
its knowledge
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, they can know fast
food
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 has many processed preserves and contain extremely high calories.
Moreover
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, they can use social media to learn about helpful methods that can prevent it through videos of nutritious leaders to prevent
this
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 issue.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I think learning is the best way to encourage
people
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 to make
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 and limit snacks. Moving onto another side of
this
Linking Words
 argument
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
education
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 cannot work on proper diet. It is based on the factories which create these snacks. They can replace harmful chemicals in the fast
food
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 with the healthy ingredients.
For example
Linking Words
, the company can create a kind of hamburger
that is
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 made from vegetables
instead
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 of meat or beef, which can benefit human health. In conclusion,
people
Use synonyms
 should choose a healthy diet and limit junk
food
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, because their health can be easily affected by unhealthy nourishment.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views and provides a clear opinion, which is good for task achievement. However, the discussion of the second viewpoint is a bit brief. Try to expand on this with more substantial reasoning and examples to create a more balanced argument.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but there are moments where the writing lacks precision. For example, 'factories which create these snacks' can be more precisely stated as 'companies that manufacture junk food'. Pay attention to these details to improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is generally clear, but transitions between ideas can be improved. For instance, use phrases like 'Additionally,' or 'In contrast,' to better connect your ideas. This will enhance the coherence and flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a strong introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your discussion well. However, the body paragraphs can be better connected with topic sentences that clearly relate to your thesis in the introduction.
task achievement
You provided relevant specific examples, such as mentioning how companies can create healthier versions of junk food. Try to integrate more such examples to strengthen your points.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction effectively sets up the topic and shows an understanding of both sides of the argument.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion succinctly wraps up your argument and reinforces your opinion, leaving the reader with a clear take-away message.
relevant specific examples
You included specific examples related to the food industry, which adds relevance to your arguments and supports your main points well.
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