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Band 7

Some people from poor and rural background from it difficult to get a university education.Universities have to make it easier especially for such groups to get into them.To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #background #university #education #universities #groups
Presently, some economically less advantaged people are devoid of a proper
university
education
due to
 their economic state.
Therefore
,
individuals
 argue that
universities
 should set equitable conditions for those who would like to attain a profound
education
 coming from poor and rural backgrounds. It is my contention that granting full access for poor people to
universities
 is a multifaceted phenomenon which can offer full flexibility for everyone to get accepted by some of the most prestigious
universities
 in the world. First and foremost, it is well-documented that many of the world’s most celebrated and esteemed figures emerged from backgrounds marked by daily struggles.
This
 is why I am convinced that providing educational opportunities to
individuals
 with potentially groundbreaking ideas will justify all the efforts invested in
this
 initiative. To cite an example, Oprah Winfrey is one of the most successful television personas in the world with a personal net worth of over 4 billion dollars who came from poverty. In the USA, she was given a chance to attend a
university
 degree with a full scholarship in telecommunication and
consequently
, she has her own philanthropic services in order to provide
education
 to the poverty-stricken communities.
Furthermore
, since some
university
 admissions fees are exorbitantly high, many
individuals
 are unable to afford them, effectively barring them from receiving a proper
education
.
However
, if
universities
 were to lower these fees, it could lead to the discovery of many potential talents.
This
 not only would enhance the institutions' potential and reputation but
also
 might allow these talents to remain as teaching staff, thereby passing on their knowledge and experience to others like them.
On the other hand
,
while
 it may seem entirely reasonable to offer free or discounted
education
 to everyone facing financial hardships,
this
 approach could
also
 lead to exploitation of the existing educational system, thereby wasting limited resources.
For instance
, granting universal
university
 access to all
individuals
 who are financially disadvantaged or reside in rural areas might ultimately diminish the quality of
education
 if some recipients lack a genuine interest in pursuing higher learning. In conclusion,
while
 lowering barriers for
individuals
 from challenging backgrounds to study in
universities
 can enhance the sustainability of a country's
education
 system, it
also
 has the potential to lead to instances of exploitation.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt well and provides a clear position on the topic. However, ensure each paragraph clearly supports and relates back to your main argument to make your stance even more compelling.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. This will help maintain a logical flow throughout your essay.
task achievement
Provide more balanced arguments in both body paragraphs to avoid the appearance of bias. Make sure to consider counterarguments and rebuttals for a more nuanced essay.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states your position on the topic, setting the stage for the rest of the essay.
task achievement
You have provided a relevant and strong example with Oprah Winfrey, which adds credibility and depth to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your key points and reinforces your initial stance, providing a cohesive ending to your essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is generally well-structured, with clear paragraphs separating different points and ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Social mobility
  • Underprivileged
  • Equal opportunities
  • Diversity
  • Financial constraints
  • Affirmative action
  • Scholarships
  • Grants
  • Admission standards
  • Non-profit organizations
  • Outreach programs
  • Meritocracy
  • Education gap
  • Rural areas
  • University admissions
  • Inclusivity
  • Socioeconomic barriers
  • Educational equity
  • Access to education
  • Disadvantaged
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