IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Art classes, such as paiting and drawing, are as important to a child's development as other subjects, so it should be compulsory in high schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#art #classes #child #development #subjects #schools
It is argued that
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 must learn
art
 as a compulsory subject in high schools
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
 to the development of children. From
writer’s
Correct article usage
the writer’s
show examples
 perspective, it should be compulsory because of the imagination and relaxation of the student. It must
be understand
Change the verb form
be understood
show examples
 that
art
 always
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 various
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
.
Enjoy
Wrong verb form
Enjoying
show examples
art
 products can make the view open their mind and
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
 how to create it can help the student recognize more than just watching.
As a result
, learners with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
various
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
show examples
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life or the world can be better at solving problems and
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 more creative energy
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can give
the
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
eternitive
Correct your spelling
positive
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
 to develop
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Additionally
, students can learn more about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social problems
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 more creative way
such
 as
art
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 must attract learners better than the traditional way.
As
Change preposition
According
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 a research from Havard
university
Capitalize word
University
show examples
, there are more than 80%
students
Change preposition
of students
show examples
 can improve their creativity by painting and drawing in the
art
classes
 at school.
Moreover
,
art
classes
 can be a
time
 to relax for students after learning
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 crucial
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
. With a lot of colour and interesting
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
,
art
 can reduce stress for people. It is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 fact that children’s stress
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 sharply year by year because of the huge knowledge of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
, they must study more than 10 hours a day and have less
time
 to relax. A lesson
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
art
 among many main subjects in school can split the
concentrate
Change the verb form
concentrated
show examples
time
 of the children and give their mind
opportunity
Correct article usage
the opportunity
show examples
 to enjoy
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
break
time
 with
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
show examples
 paint.
For example
, there are 65%
stressful
Correct word choice
of stress
show examples
 can
be reduce
Change the verb form
be reduced
show examples
while
learner
Fix the agreement mistake
learners
show examples
 enjoy the
art
classes
 in the school. In conclusion,
art
classes
 can give children a new opinion of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life.

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task achievement
The introduction briefly presents the main argument, but it could be more explicitly stated with a clearer thesis statement. Consider rewriting it for a stronger impact.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates directly to the essay's thesis statement. This will improve the logical flow of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is very brief and does not effectively summarize the main points or restate the thesis in a compelling way. Expand the conclusion to reinforce your argument.
task achievement
Some examples and points need to be more specific and detailed to effectively illustrate your arguments. For instance, the research from Harvard could be described in more detail to enhance its relevance.
coherence cohesion
The essay introduces two main points of discussion (imagination and relaxation), which provides a good structure for the argument.
task achievement
The argument that art can help reduce stress is supported by a relevant example, which adds strength to the point.
coherence cohesion
The essay generally follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • enhances
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • innovatively
  • curriculum
  • mental health
  • emotional expression
  • stress relief
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving skills
  • creatively
  • cultural diversity
  • artistic traditions
  • compulsory
  • well-rounded education
  • academic performance
  • concentrate
  • attention to detail
  • persevere
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