IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Art classes, such as painting and drawing are as important to a child's development as other subjects, so it should be compulsory in highschools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#art #classes #child #development #subjects #highschools
Classes that focus on artistic skills are told that they should be a mandatory subject
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 high schools.
This
 writer disagrees with the idea because it may cause more burden on students
while
also
 forcing them to embark on a subject that
disinterest
Change the verb form
disinterests
show examples
 them. It should be known that
high-schoolers
Correct your spelling
high schoolers
show examples
 have a dense schedule of study time.
While
 most of the crucial
one
Fix the agreement mistake
ones
show examples
 are math, physics and chemistry, the study of
art
 is only significant to the people who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 indulged in
art
major
Fix the agreement mistake
majors
show examples
. O, making painting a compulsory lesson would take up more
tie
Correct your spelling
time
show examples
 and energy that should be spent on what an individual
really
Add a missing verb
is really
show examples
 ambitious about.
For instance
, take the Vietnamese system, most students only focus on three specific
subject
Change to a plural noun
subjects
show examples
that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 important for their university life, and the H category is the only one that
include
Change the verb form
includes
show examples
art
. What is more,
art
 is an abstract thing,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which not
everyone’s liking
Wrong verb form
everyone likes
show examples
.
By stressing
Change preposition
Stressing
show examples
 I as a serious thing, rather than by one person’s own interest,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
may cause
further
Add an article
a further
show examples
 bad impression
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
art
. Just how trauma can affect in the long-term span,
for instance
, taking the ballet artist, Yyvena Romanov, in an unexpected interview, she busted out sobbing when the interviewer
asks
Wrong verb form
asked
show examples
 about
her
Change the word
the
show examples
 hardship in
the
Change the word
her
show examples
 career.
Therefore
, the consequences of making people do what they do not like
shows
Fix the agreement mistake
show
show examples
. All in all, it is clear why compulsory
art
 lessons are not recommended, as
t
Correct your spelling
they
 put more hardship on students and kill their interest in ever pursuing
art
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the introduction states a clear position, it could be more detailed to fully outline the main points that will be discussed in the essay. Ensure to refine your thesis statement to make your opinion and main arguments clear from the beginning.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples and evidence to support your ideas. The example related to the Vietnamese education system is good but needs more clarity and detail. Avoid vague and generalized statements.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from having clearly defined paragraphs where each paragraph addresses a single idea. This will help the reader to follow your argument more easily. Also, ensure that all supporting points directly relate to your main argument.
coherence cohesion
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases that affect readability. Revising these will improve the overall clarity and flow of your writing. For example, 'is only significant to the people who is indulged in art major' should be 'is only significant to people who are interested in an art major.'
coherence cohesion
Ensure that you provide a balanced conclusion that summarizes your main points and reinforces your thesis statement. This will provide closure to your arguments and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
task achievement
The essay manages to present a clear opinion on the topic and offer some supporting arguments. This shows a basic understanding of the essay task.
task achievement
The essay attempts to provide an example (Vietnamese education system) which shows effort to give a real-world context to the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: