IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Art classes, such as painting and drawing are as important to a child's development as other subjects, so it should be compulsory in highschools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#art #classes #child #development #subjects #highschools
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Classes that focus on artistic skills are told that they should be a mandatory subject
at
Change preposition
in
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 high schools.
This
Linking Words
 writer disagrees with the idea because it may cause more burden on students
while
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also
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 forcing them to embark on a subject that
disinterest
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disinterests
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 them. It should be known that
high-schoolers
Correct your spelling
high schoolers
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 have a dense schedule of study time.
While
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 most of the crucial
one
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ones
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 are math, physics and chemistry, the study of
art
Use synonyms
 is only significant to the people who
is
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are
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 indulged in
art
Use synonyms
major
Fix the agreement mistake
majors
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. O, making painting a compulsory lesson would take up more
tie
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time
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 and energy that should be spent on what an individual
really
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is really
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 ambitious about.
For instance
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, take the Vietnamese system, most students only focus on three specific
subject
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subjects
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that
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 important for their university life, and the H category is the only one that
include
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includes
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art
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. What is more,
art
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 is an abstract thing,
in
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apply
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which not
everyone’s liking
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everyone likes
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.
By stressing
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Stressing
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 I as a serious thing, rather than by one person’s own interest,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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may cause
Linking Words
further
Add an article
a further
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 bad impression
on
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of
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art
Use synonyms
. Just how trauma can affect in the long-term span,
for instance
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, taking the ballet artist, Yyvena Romanov, in an unexpected interview, she busted out sobbing when the interviewer
asks
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asked
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 about
her
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the
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 hardship in
the
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her
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 career.
Therefore
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, the consequences of making people do what they do not like
shows
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show
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. All in all, it is clear why compulsory
art
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 lessons are not recommended, as
t
Correct your spelling
they
 put more hardship on students and kill their interest in ever pursuing
art
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
While the introduction states a clear position, it could be more detailed to fully outline the main points that will be discussed in the essay. Ensure to refine your thesis statement to make your opinion and main arguments clear from the beginning.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples and evidence to support your ideas. The example related to the Vietnamese education system is good but needs more clarity and detail. Avoid vague and generalized statements.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from having clearly defined paragraphs where each paragraph addresses a single idea. This will help the reader to follow your argument more easily. Also, ensure that all supporting points directly relate to your main argument.
coherence cohesion
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases that affect readability. Revising these will improve the overall clarity and flow of your writing. For example, 'is only significant to the people who is indulged in art major' should be 'is only significant to people who are interested in an art major.'
coherence cohesion
Ensure that you provide a balanced conclusion that summarizes your main points and reinforces your thesis statement. This will provide closure to your arguments and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
task achievement
The essay manages to present a clear opinion on the topic and offer some supporting arguments. This shows a basic understanding of the essay task.
task achievement
The essay attempts to provide an example (Vietnamese education system) which shows effort to give a real-world context to the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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