Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Is it a positive or negative trend?
Nowadays, some
children
spend most of their time
using their smartphones
. This
phenomenon has been one of the major issue
in the world. Change to a plural noun
issues
Although
there are some positive effects, I believe this
trend
might provide
negative influences on Verb problem
have
children
.
Society is changing so fast to the digital era. Not only the
Correct article usage
apply
smartphones
are a fashionable trend
, but also
these
are becoming Correct pronoun usage
they
an
essential Correct article usage
apply
device
in our lives. Fix the agreement mistake
devices
In
Change preposition
For
this
reason, almost all people have smartphones
regardless of age. Moreover
, this
devices are far more useful than Change the determiner
these
the
other electronic devices and it makes Correct article usage
apply
more
convenient. Correct pronoun usage
them more
For instance
, smartphones
can help students their
study effectively Correct pronoun usage
apply
such
as long distance
Add a hyphen
long-distance
educations
in academic aspects. In short, it is Fix the agreement mistake
education
imperatctive
that students want to buy Correct your spelling
imperative
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
,
and use Remove the comma
apply
this
all the time
.
On the other hand
, this
trend
bring
several drawbacks. First of all, there are some entertaining applications on Change the verb form
brings
the
Correct article usage
apply
smartphones
such
as online games or
Correct word choice
apply
Youtube
, and Correct your spelling
YouTube
Tiktok
. Correct your spelling
TikTok
In other words
,these entertainments distrupt
Correct your spelling
disrupt
to
studying, because they lack of ability to control Change preposition
apply
time
and easily fall into addiction. Additionally
, parents cannot monitor their children
what
are they doing on their Change preposition
on what
smartphones
always. In the same vein, young children
might have possibility
of Add an article
the possibility
access
harmful sites Wrong verb form
accessing
such
as sexual or violent scam websites by accidently
. Correct your spelling
accident
According to
recent research, a great number of children
are going through the
smartphone Correct article usage
apply
addticions
and they Correct your spelling
addictions
addiction
experieced
detentions in their Correct your spelling
experienced
shcools
Correct your spelling
schools
dut
to using Correct your spelling
due
smartphones
during class. Therefore
, it might be a negative trend
for young people who cannnot
adjust to Correct your spelling
cannot
can't
time
of use Add an article
the time
smartphones
.
In conclusion, it is not a clear-cut issue as there are some pros and cons. Even though smartphones
might not bring the
detrimental effects in Correct article usage
apply
itself
, it has Correct pronoun usage
themselves
the
significant negative aspects more than positive effects for young Correct article usage
apply
children
.Submitted by kimjy3329 on
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task achievement
While your essay provides a clear response to the prompt and addresses both parts of the question, try to provide more specific examples to strengthen your argument. For instance, you mentioned long distance education—consider elaborating on a specific app or service that facilitates this. Similarly, expanding on research findings about the negative impacts would add depth.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, and the paragraphs are logically structured. However, work on transitioning smoothly between ideas to make your essay more cohesive. Phrases like 'In addition' or 'Furthermore' can help guide the reader through your arguments.
overall
Consider using a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance your essay's readability. Also, pay attention to small grammatical errors and typos (e.g., 'impertive' should be 'imperative', 'shcools' should be 'schools').
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the topic and you offer a balanced discussion of both positive and negative aspects.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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