IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries the widespread use of internet has given people more freedom to work or study at home instead of traveling to work or college. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

#countries #internet #people #freedom #work #study #home #college
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In some nations, the availability of the
Internet
Use synonyms
 has allowed to work or attend school rather than
Wrong verb form
go
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going
Wrong verb form
go
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 to workplaces or colleges.
While
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 there are some merits to
this
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 ,
this
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 essay will discuss its several detrimental consequences. One major benefit of the availability of the
Internet
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 is
cost-effective
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cost-effectiveness
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.
This
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 means that it can reduce additional costs
such
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 as meals, commuting expenses, and work attire. Students and employees could set aside money and spend on rainy days.
Thus
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, using the
Internet
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 prevents wasting money to some extent .
Furthermore
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, the
Internet
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 has made it easier for people to collaborate and work together on projects and assignments, regardless of the location through tools
such
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 as video conferencing and online whiteboard.
Hence
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, it not only connects people globally but
also
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 provides a more engaging and effective learning experience. The predominant downside of extended use of the
Internet
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,
however
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, is distraction.
That is
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 to say, the home environment can filled with distractions
such
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 as household chores, family members and pets, which can impact productivity. Another major drawback of
this
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 is that it might trigger health issues, which means, the
Internet
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 may cause pupils and employees to opt for a sedentary lifestyle for themselves;
therefore
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, they no longer go out and would rather stay at home. They probably get involved in health problems, including obesity, cardiovascular, and anxiety,
as a result
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, people might suffer from physical and mental problems, which can have irreparable consequences over time. In conclusion,
although
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 could be beneficial for cost saving and increasing collaboration and networking, I believe that the disadvantages of
this
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 development are more sustainable than its upsides as will be explained in the essay.
Submitted by hongminh317 on

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear introduction with a direct response to the prompt, which is a positive aspect. However, the essay claims to discuss several detrimental consequences but addresses only two main disadvantages. Expanding upon the potential downsides with more specific examples would enhance the completeness of the response.
task achievement
The main ideas in the body paragraphs are clear, but some points need more elaboration and clear examples to be comprehensive. For example, the point about health issues due to a sedentary lifestyle could include specific statistics or studies to reinforce the argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is mostly sound, with each paragraph focused on one main idea. However, some transitions between points can be smoother. Phrases like 'However,' 'Thus,' and 'Furthermore' are used well, but more cohesive devices could be incorporated to link ideas better. Ensure each paragraph follows logically from the preceding one.
coherence cohesion
The essay does include an introduction and conclusion, but the conclusion could be more aligned with the essay's content. It should summarize the main points discussed and clearly state whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages based on the analysis provided in the essay.
task achievement
The introduction clearly presents the topic and the thesis statement, providing a roadmap for the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure with each paragraph dedicated to a single main idea.
coherence cohesion
The use of cohesive devices like 'Furthermore' and 'However' helps in linking sentences and paragraphs, providing a level of cohesion to the essay.
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