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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to do part-time jobs. What’s the situation like in your country? What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of doing part-time jobs?

#countries #teenagers #jobs #what’s #situation #country
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Nowadays, there is a growing trend of teenagers taking part-time
jobs
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, in my country as well.
While
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this
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 trend gains its
populariy
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popularity
, a lot of criticisms
also
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 follow. Some
people
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 assert that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits,
however
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, I tend to disagree.
To begin
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 with, part-time
jobs
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 provide young
people
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hands-on
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with hands-on
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experience
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 which may benefit their career explorations. A survey
to
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of
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 HRs from all walks of life reveals that among the graduates, most of the companies are in
favor
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favour
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 of choosing
the
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apply
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applicants who
had
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have
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 some part-time job
experience
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 because they believe those applicants are more capable and with good time management skills.
Therefore
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, doing a part-time job is in a way
practicing
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practising
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 the
theoractical
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theoretical
 knowledge acquired from
the
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apply
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school
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,
in addition
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, it is a great opportunity to build up one's networking
thus
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 paving the way for
the
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apply
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future career development.
In addition
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, part-time
jobs
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leads
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lead
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 to young
people
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's financial independence.
For instance
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, in my country, some teenagers are encouraged to
work
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 after
school
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 in order to relieve the family financial burden caused by the rising tuition fees.
As a result
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,
such
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experience
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experiences
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 often shape young
people
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's
personality
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personalities
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 to be responsible and mature which are both good qualities needed in the job
markets
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market
show examples
. Though some
people
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 argue that
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apply
show examples
the
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apply
show examples
work
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 after
school
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 may potentially impact teenagers' academic performance at
school
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, in fact, balanced hours of part-time
work
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 can relieve the stress from their studies which is
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beneficial
beneficail
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beneficial
 to
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maintaining
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maintain
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maintaining
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 good mental health.
To conclude
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, part-time
jobs
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 are rewarding to young
people
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 in many aspects. The advantages include gaining
work
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experience
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, helping out with family financial situations, becoming more responsible and timely organized, and so on. I do think it is positive
to
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for
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 a
teenage's
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teenager's
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 current life and
also
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 future
prospect
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prospects
show examples
.
Submitted by carriexue23 on

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Grammar and Spelling
There are a few grammar and typographical errors in the essay that need to be addressed. For example, 'popularity,' 'theoretical,' 'beneficial,' and 'leads' should be corrected to 'popularity,' 'theoretical,' 'beneficial,' and 'lead,' respectively. Proofreading for such errors would improve the overall quality.
Content Development
While the essay does provide relevant examples, try to integrate more diverse examples or research to make the arguments stronger. Also, expanding on points with more detailed explanations will provide greater clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay generally follows a logical structure, but some sentences can be rephrased for greater clarity. For instance, restructuring long sentences into shorter ones can help make the points clearer. Additionally, try to include more transition phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs.
Introduction and Conclusion
The essay features a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which frame the discussion effectively. This is a strength as it provides a clear overview and summary of the points made.
Supporting Points
The main points are relevant and well-supported with examples, especially the connection between part-time jobs and career development, as well as financial independence. These examples are practical and relatable, adding strength to your arguments.
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